She was no Mary Poppins (Part 1)

This week was not a good childcare week (for me..because I am selfish.  Everything revolves around me.) Ching forgot to get Laurel on Monday and she was picked up 20 minutes after her program "closes".  You know the Rachel eye gunk story (the Russian roulette of dropping her off or if she should stay home).  And my main girl, Lindsey who cares for the girls on Wednesday, was away in Italy.  (Of course I am jealous because she is young, cute..and young.)  And my back-up was only available for 1 day.  Ching and I scrambled all week. (Obviously Ching didn't scramble enough on Monday.)

Regardless, I am utterly grateful for the resources that we have.  Ching and I had terrible childcare experiences while Laurel was young.  This is a two part series.  When Laurel was 18 months old, I wrote this essay.  This is one of the most cathartic essays that I ever wrote about being a new mom and the fact that whom we hired was no Mary Poppins.

This essay comes with a disclaimer.  The stories that I am about to tell with either seem funny or scary or a little bit of both.  I would still recommend using a nanny when your child is very young.  I just wouldn’t recommend the first woman that we hired.

What drew Ching and me toward using a nanny was Laurel’s age when I was going to return to work.  She was going to be three months old and I couldn’t imagine dropping her off with all sorts of other kids running around with dirty hands and crusty noses near her.  I wanted the ratio of children to provider to be as small as possible.  Then my selfish side came out, I didn’t think I would be able to get my child and myself ready for the day and then the drop off.  With a nanny, I wouldn’t have to get Laurel ready in the morning.

The difficult part was trying to find a nanny in September for the following May.  Most wanted to start immediately, so they were weeded out.  The candidates that just didn’t show up to the interview were also immediately taken off the list.  If we even got to ask questions, the gift of tact helped.  How do you subtly ask someone if they have common sense; that they are not going to shake my baby;  are going to love my child and even show up on time day after day?  I put a lot of credence in body language, facial expression and if they swore, that crossed them off the list too.

The popular payment of choice is cash-under the table.  I had terrible guilt that I was doing something bad by giving someone an opportunity not to declare this as income.  This also nixed any plans that I had to use a dependant care account at work where I could save funds pretax.  (To pull the funds out of the account, I needed to show proof of payment.  I knew an ATM receipt would not work.)  Because I was paying now with after tax dollars and not getting a tax break, I was now passing the break on to someone else.  I also knew that neither my husband nor I would be able to run for public office.

Because the cost for a nanny was a bit more than we anticipated, we were introduced to the idea of a nanny share.  We found another couple that worked very close to where we lived.  We would agree on a nanny and then have the nanny solely work out of our house (because of my drop off anxiety).  Because of the convenience for us, we would pay a little bit more than the other set of parents.  While this actually dug us into a deeper hole of being “set” (now agreeing on a set of parents and then a nanny), I appreciated more input on the candidate.   The couple that we started to work with seemed okay but then the father got weird.  He was a little too in touch with his feelings.  He claimed that Ching looked at him harshly during a get together and he didn’t think Ching wanted to communicate with him.  The dude called me at work to tell me this.  Immediately they were crossed off the list.  With that experience, Ching and I decided to focus on finding a nanny and then finding a family down the road.

The first nanny that we hired actually interviewed with us the day after we brought Laurel home from the hospital.  My mindset wasn’t there due to feeling overwhelmed and tired.  Ching did the majority of the interview while I just tried to calm Laurel down.  (You know, that was probably a sign I didn’t even pick up on.)  Two things struck me about Mary:  she referred to the library as a “liberry” which I found odd.  I didn’t know anyone over the age of seven that pronounced it that way.  Then I felt like a snob for picking up on this.  Secondly, she smelled like cigarette smoke.  Not blatantly but seemed to be part of her scent.  I asked her if she smoked and she looked shocked that I would even ask her.  She said no and then made a joke about how terrible it would be to see a woman walking with a stroller while a butt was hanging out of her mouth.

Ching liked her and I thought I was being too picky.   I did find solace in that fact that this woman was in her mid-50’s and had raised a son (now 19).  This was the main reason where I found comfort with her.   I know this sounds terrible but I just wanted the childcare situation set.  Bringing Laurel home from the hospital was so overwhelming and the thought of having our childcare set was so comforting.  The references she gave us spoke warmly about her.  But we should have asked for references that spanned her entire childcare career, not just the ones that she had chosen to give to us.  According to her, she had been caring for children for 18 years but her references only covered five of those years.

We used Mary a few times before her official start.  She would come over in the afternoons to give me a little break especially if Ching had to work late.  I didn’t like her. I couldn’t put my finger on it.   I didn’t like talking to her.  I didn’t like listening to her but again, I thought I was being bitchy.  Now I realize that it was okay to feel the way I did.  I should like the person that cares from my child.

Mary started the week before I was going to go back to work.  Everyday was a dry run of me getting ready for work so the first week back wasn’t a huge shock.  Red flags were already up the Sunday before she started.  She was confused about the time she was supposed to be at our house even though Ching told her several times.  We also told her that her first week would mirror a typical week and that she would be there all day regardless if I was there or not.  Not only was this a “getting ready for work” test but I tried to use this time to do household stuff.  While she knew we wanted her there all day, every day, she still would ask me if she could leave early.   But not before she would count out how many hours she was there that day (like I couldn’t count) to confirm how much I should be paying her.

Ching and I did express the hope to do a nanny share.  Mary enthusiastically agreed to this insistent that she could handle two small children.  Individually, the nanny share set up is cheaper for each family individually but collectively we were paying her more. 

Every time Mary did something that I considered odd, I would justify the behavior as me being critical.  Of course I should have been critical.  This was my kid.  I also live in the Massachusetts—home of the Louise Woodward Baby Shaking Trial of 1997! There were so many examples of absentmindedness that I couldn’t fathom and turned a blind eye to.  If Mary was eating one half of a bagel and dropped the other half on the carpet, she would leave it on the carpet all day (butter side down).  If I got home while she was making tea, my interruption got her off track therefore she would leave for the day with the water still boiling, milk out, etc.  I never even addressed why she was drinking hot tea by my girl.   Laurel would have large ink stains from pens on her onsies—how was Laurel holding a pen (and so close to her eyes!)?

Scattered and dazed was a good phrase for her.  Frequently, she needed to be paid early.  Several times I would get a “I-don’t-know-how-I-am-going-to-make-it-to-Friday” story on a Tuesday.  She never seemed to connect that Ching and I had to get paid to pay her.   She couldn’t keep the schedule straight—it was the same everyday.  During the time she was with us, she lost her pocketbook once and got into three minor car accidents.  Everything for Laurel was meticulously prepped for Mary (two sets of clothes laid out, extra diapers with wipes and each bottle precisely measured with either formula or breastmilk) .  I couldn’t trust that she would remember the routine on Tuesday even in she had (remembered) on Monday.  After I got home, I would ask about a re-cap of Laurel’s day, Mary would have this tired, droopy eye gaze like she was two seconds away from a long winter’s nap.  Jesus Christ, had I just woken her up?

I needed to get rid of her and I didn’t know how.  I phrase this like the problem was solely my responsibility and not the other family or Ching’s.   Coming home was a double edge sword every day.  I wanted to get home to my girl but I absolutely didn’t want to deal with X.  I didn’t want to hear about her issues or crazy stories.  One late afternoon, she told me about three kids in her extended family that died-one in a fire, one from cancer and one falling out of a moving car.  Are you kidding me?

During the next couple of weeks, there were a few incidents that inched me closer and closer to the edge.  One morning, as I was getting ready for work, I noticed that my mascara wasn’t mine.  The brand was correct-Maybelline Great Lash.  (Who doesn’t recognize the pink and green?) But this tube of mascara was old and the label was worn off.  The one that I had the day before was not like this.  Mary was using my make-up.  She took my newer tube of mascara and left hers behind.  I truly believe that she didn’t steal my mascara but dumped my make-up out to look at what I used and then dumped her make up bag out to compare.  (This sounds like something preteens do but Mary seemed to be child-like at times.)   I don’t know what made my stomach turn more, the sheer grossness of her using something on her skin that had also touched mine or the fact that this woman wore her make-up like Bette Davis in “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?”  This tube of mascara was in the bottom of my make up bag.  It just didn’t fall in by accident.  I left a note letting her know that I think she left it in the bathroom as a mistake.  She took her mascara but never returned or explained where my original tube went.

A week later, after 6:00, I got a visit from two women from my neighborhood.  I had never met them and they apologized profusely for appearing to tattle or to be nosey.  They felt that I should know that the nanny that I was employing didn’t seem to respond to my daughter when she cried.   The two saw this happening as Mary would walk around the neighborhood with Laurel in the stroller.  If Laurel cried, Mary didn’t really respond.  I thanked the women for telling me this but didn’t know what to do or who to believe.  Mary claimed that the women in our neighborhood didn’t like her.  (In retrospect, they did exactly what they needed to do as mothers and responsible adults.  To this day, I don’t know who they are but am grateful for their help.)

I never doubted that Mary didn’t love my daughter.  But she was overwhelmed at the task of taking care of two infants.  And she wasn’t good enough for Ching and me to sever the nanny share agreement and to keep her employed just for ourselves.  I couldn’t leave daily detailed instructions anymore.  I didn’t like dreading coming home.  I couldn’t sit in meetings wondering if Mary was asleep on the couch as the girls were crying.   My breaking point was coming home and finding Laurel playing and ripping apart a paper towel.  Mary claimed that she like the texture.  This was absolutely fine if Mary was watching her.  After she left and I went about getting Laurel’s dinner ready.  I went upstairs to her room to straighten up and found a paper towel in her crib.  Mary let her play with it on her own.  Laurel could have ripped off a piece and got it stuck in her throat.  I physically broke down in front of Ching and told him that I wanted Mary gone. The way I felt during this breakdown was indescribable.  I hated this woman but I hated myself even more for tolerating her crap and putting my child in harm’s way.

The other mom agreed and wanted to see Mary gone too.  She had the same apprehension as I did but had the same belief that the situation would get better if we kept telling Mary what we wanted.  This is where it got a little tricky.  We had to agree on another nanny as quickly as possible to get Mary the hell out of there.  But we also had to ask good thorough questions without feeling tainted by the first experience.  Finding another nanny only took a couple of weeks.  Ching and I learned that finding a nanny that can start right away is much easier than one that could start months down the road. 

Our new nanny is set, now we just had to get rid of Mary?  Do we tolerate her for three weeks until the new nanny starts and give Mary no notice?  Or do we give her notice?  If she has notice, how is she going to react and what will her work ethic be?  This isn’t an office job where she could play solitaire just ticking away time and collecting a severance package.  And if we gave her notice, what was our story going to be?  Do we tell her that she sucked but we want to give her time to get a new job or do we take the weenie route and lie?  It was my decision and I took the weenie approach.  I told her that we were changing our childcare option and severing the nanny share agreement.  Lying was not the right thing but it was very easy to do.  There was a reason why I didn’t confront her—I don’t like confrontation.

Even though we gave her two weeks notice, an extra weeks salary, and a two week paid vacation (after working only 3 months), she was mad as hell.  How could we do this to her?  Before letting her go, we met with her several times after work to try to improve things.  It boggles my mind that she thought she did a good job.  I knew her pronunciation of library as liberry was a sign.

(And it will get better..check it out tomorrow for Not Mary Poppins, Part 2)