I am hoping that this will rejuvenate my inner attijude.

Two days ago, I woke up so overwhelmed with stuff that I had to get done that I had Pepto for breakfast just to settle my stomach.

Reading that Laurel is in the same first grade class with the one girl (out of 70) that I wanted her to avoid doesn't get me on the blog.  The awkward feeling that I had during Rachel's last day of Toddler One with all the other mothers giving hugs and cards to the teachers, didn't get me on the blog.  But I did get the hell out of there. I wanted to avoid the hugs and a reason to ingest more Pepto.

I have been avoiding my sanctuary because I am tired..and whiny..

Thankfully I am on vacation.  I am hoping that this will rejuvenate my inner attijude.  I am assuming with a family vacation in Maine, I will have some good stuff to share.  (You know Tina Fey takes breaks too.)

See you on September 1...

This is the time that I go into awkward overdrive..trying to be funny and then tell myself to shut the freak up.

On the Tuesday after Labor Day, Rachel is going into the Toddler 2 class.  Because she is young, there is still such pomp, circumstance and a boat load of prep.  Last night, I went to her T-2 orientation (thinking the next appropriate orientation will be when she is a rising freshman at an Ivy league.)  Going against what I know, I am pretty excited for several reasons.

I don't want Rachel to speed through her youth but God damn, I can't wait until she is clearly verbal.  Currently she says things that are kind of mushy.  I tend to say "yes" and nod while she pouts and gets pissy (her father's daughter) and will point out what she wants.  Also this is the stage of the potty!  I had my girls 4.5 years apart.  I have tasted traveling with a child that doesn't need diapers...I want that feeling back.

Of course, with the orientation with other parents, there my awkward attempt of conversation.  We talk about the required list of clothes that needs to be labeled.  This is the time that I go into awkward overdrive..trying to be funny and then tell myself to shut the freak up.  I just hope this doesn't prevent Rachel from having a friend over at our cul-de-sac.  Why couldn't Ching be here with me? There is Nathan's mom who shares the same last name as Rachel.  Of course, his parents pronounce it the correct way:  "Wong".  As I apparently do the Chinese version of dirty white trash.."Wang".  She can't see that I am awkward since her first language isn't English.  Her son is currently in China with relatives.  I mention missing (her son) terribly..."where in God's name does that come from?"  Christ, I am so jealous of this woman being home, alone, eating bad rangoon at a whim.  (And then she waves me off...Good God.)

I listen to the Toddler 2 Class teachers...I am admitting this now.  I have seen the T2 teachers daily for over a year.  I have asked others three times of their names.  I couldn't keep track and I couldn't ask again..finally tonight, I know who is whom..Ashley, Sarah, Megan, left to right.

They talk about the napping and how some will not want to..I don't worry about that.  My girl Rachel, with the rolled eye indifference loves to sleep, but I still question how in God's name they get her on that mat?

This seems like a double edge sword.  I don't want to rush my daughter's growth but I want her to get to the age that I love with is 3..still a child but also a little person of personality and selfishly fully toilet trained.  There is less of a production..just on the go.  But who am I kidding?  I am home folding laundry while Ching is with them on the go.  At that time I am protected from getting those pissy texts that say, "there are no wipes in the diaper bag."

Granted, I think I would be afraid of either girl coming downstairs to breakfast dressed as slutty school girl.

For as long as I could remember, I loved shopping for clothes for the new school year.  (Don't even get me started on school supplies. Fresh notebooks and pens..Good Lord.) When I was 16, I began shopping in the July.  There was something fresh and new about getting a new wardrobe for the new school year.  The "holiday" time of year was so exciting that, when I was old enough, I got a summer job just to finance it...a lot of soft serve and blizzards were served to guarantee 12 days of uninterrupted outfits when I was a sophomore.

Now as a mom I feel this unexpected pressure to make sure that Laurel's first day of school's outfit is just right.  I knew it was really messed up when I looked at this outfit of pink capri leggings and and grey polo shirt dress (with a drop waist) and thought it didn't have enough punch so I am off to get a pink accessory.  Are you freakin' kidding me?  She is 6 and starting the first grade. Does she really need beads or an over sized belt?  God damn, I talk a big game but I will go to Target and get that "punch".

Right now, I want school uniforms.  Strike me down...You need to know that when I was in the 10th grade, I bedazzled an outfit that I tie dyed in pink. Self expression was my middle name.  Uniforms kick the shit out of self expression for a student but for a parent, it seems so..so good. Wouldn't uniforms would be easy and, I am assuming, cheaper?  But it is the prior..I am looking for easy..khakis, polos, etc.  No accessories or any brand names that will ravage the Wang bank account later. (Granted, I think I would be afraid of either girl coming downstairs to breakfast dressed as slutty school girl.)

Currently, I am lucky.  What I buy for Laurel, she loves.  There are very few outfits in the morning that she will turn down.  If she does turn it down, the outfit isn't comfortable--the tag could be scratchy or the armpits are just too tight.

Laurel has no anxiety about what to wear for school.  She has no idea what it will be like to have a school clothes budget--back in the day, mine was $250, my friend Sue got $200 while we had a friend who had no limit.  Unless she shops with her dad..he will freakin have no idea.  She will have a better wardrobe at 16 than I do now.  Oh freak me...

I am in a rut and I am not sure why (no, I don't need bran).

I am in a rut and I am not sure why (no, I don't need bran).  Usually this type of thing happens at the beginning of March, when everything is wet, muddy and lacking greenery.  This is usually the time of year when nothing tastes good or I feel fully rested.  I blame my mood on cabin fever...perhaps I can blame (my mood) on cabin fever since currently I am not venturing outside my air-conditioned pod.  Maybe I need to step out into the air and sweat my ass off just a little bit more.

I am not funny during this time.  I feel like I am bitching about the same irrelevant point.  I feel like that old person that just tells the same stupid joke..."Get it?"  I am avoiding my blog because I don't feel on my game.  I am avoiding Facebook because I am bitter that people are doing fun things.  Keep in mind..fun things do not include posting what you are serving for dinner.

My daily gym visit needs a change up too because I don't think it is working anymore..hence my pants feeling very tight.  God damn..I think my butt looks like a pumpkin.

I am a bitter hampster on a wheel of Wang family tasks..pick up, grocery shop, laundry, etc.  A special project could be cleaning out Laurel's dresser that is packed with clothes ranging from 3T to 6x..keep in mind Laurel is a size hybrid size medium..she is long but no hips?  I don't know how to deal with that...perhaps a later topic.

CCW's job issue really shook me to the core but it now feels resolved.  My exhale of relief just sounds like a passive aggressive sigh..what the freak, man?

I need a change...not in routine, because my ability to stick to routine is my wheelhouse.  How the freak do you think the Wangs leave the house on time? (What happened this morning is a story for another time.)  I just need something different that gives me a swagger..( I am not talking about that..)

It sounds like my crankiness is borderline menopause?  It's not..I went to Costco and took care of that need in bulk..yay, three months worth for 13.99!

Holy Crap..really a rut..I made a joke about tampon usage...

During the last few weeks, I also replayed "for better or for worse".

On our wedding DVD, as I am reciting my vows, you can see my left eyebrow go up with skepticism as I recite " for richer or poorer". I don't know any bride that wants to go into a marriage with the thought of being poor.  During the last few weeks, I also replayed "for better or for worse"...which the latter could be a perfect lead into the latter of "richer or for poorer."

Almost four weeks ago, I wrote an entry about an e-mail Ching sent me to come home early to talk.  (Did he see the amount of wine bottles in the recycling bin? 7/19/12) While I joked that he could have lost his job, he actually did.  His department went through a re-org and his position, eliminated.  This was a blow to our tidy life, spreadsheet and Ching's esteem.  Regardless of how much he contributes (to the spreadsheet), he defines himself by his work and what he provides to his girls. (That's right, JCW is one of the girls.)

I can write this now because (after 21 interviews in 6 days) Ching was offered another position, in a different part of the same company.  Now our conversations are about work/life balance and if he should travel.  Would more salary make up for the travel or if he didn't, is it a sign of complacency?  Regardless, we are fine.  But what astounds me is when the situation went from normal in Newton to a shit storm, the Wangs seem to be at their best.  I was nice..really.  We listened, we talked...we were a team.

We, actually Ching, jiggled with the spreadsheet knowing that whatever happened we would be fine.  But I did think of ways to cut back and be more frugal.  Honestly, we live with a lot of crap.  And why in God's name do I not buy in bulk?  Do you know that you can get 48 Polly-O cheese sticks at Costo for 7.99 while 12 at Shaws cost 5.99?  Say it with me--Ridic!

The Mr Ching Wang job debate is not done.  But so far I have been reminded that we are a good team. We should remember to be kind and realize that since everyone is healthy, we haven't even scratched the service of "worse".   And bulk...cheese in bulk!

Apparently our Lord is the abacus mixed with equations.

Oh fudge..with the beginning of a new school year comes the registering for weekend activities for the fall.

I never had weekend activities.  There were after school activities but never weekend.  On Saturday, after Fat Albert was over on CBS, the television was shut off and my sister Jess and I made our own activity.  I think we turned out okay...well, at least I did.  (My sister knows that the emoticon is pedestrian at this point.)

I doubt my motherhood skills because I don't consider this.  But, oh freak me, Mr. Ching Wang does.  Apparently, "we" are getting Laurel ready for her weekend activities this fall.  Laurel has all ready told us that she wants to do dance but not at the same place.  The fear is about the next level of dance...with modern dance comes sit-ups and push-ups at the beginning of each class.  Just a mere 50 and 15, respectively.  When I was Laurel's age, I could do this in my sleep.  (When I was Laurel's age, this was the only time when I was truly athletic.)  I will deal with this issue along with the fact that she is even taller and in need of a new leotard.  It is not about buying the new leotard but the fact that I can see my girl just one step closer to tampons. (I am dreading the talk.)

Pushing the dance aside, there is Ching's favorite activity:  math class on Sunday.  Apparently our Lord is the abacus mixed with equations.  Initially Ching and I saw this great article in the Globe about this math school.  As soon as Laurel said she liked math, she was enrolled in this school. (by Ching..)  Anyway I am not sure how much Laurel wants to be in math class, because she wasn't given a choice.
Jude:  You signed her up for math again?
Ching: Yeah (of course..you non quantitative spouse that ruined my children.)
Jude: (Freak you..I can dance)  Does she want to do this?
Ching:  She is not in the position to decide.
Jude: (Oh Christ)  Really?
Ching: There is a nominal bribe.

For the love of God, my girls shouldn't do activities for the bribe.  I wish they would realize the cost of the activity.  They don't (realize the cost) like my husband doesn't realize that maybe the girls have an aptitude for an Asian language class?

I just want my girls to appreciate the weekend.  But selfishly, I want to appreciate the weekend too...with my laundry and housekeeping tasks (as they are away at their activities.) The question of the day is this...Is it bad to push them into tasks that there Dad wants OR push them into tasks so their Mom can do laundry in peace?

Yeah...this is when Mom hell is calling... perhaps in 2054.

Every now and then, I will have this epiphany that I am actually a mother.

Every now and then, I will have this epiphany that I am actually a mother.  I could be going through the routine of coordinating the timing of dinner while emptying the dishwasher and then it hits me, "Holy Crap!" I am some one's mother!  It is certainly not a surprise how this happened but days to months to years will just roll together.  My routine will just carry forth until I realize that I am making dinner just like my mom did.  How did this happen?  It seems like I was a kid myself just yesterday...fun and fancy-free.  (Actually, I am not sure about fancy-free but I was just responsible for myself.)  Now I am online searching for ways to wash an LL Bean back pack (wash gentle cycle, inside out, line dry), coordinating school clothes shopping while arguing the merits of the difference between being picky at dinner or just liking certain foods. Laurel's argument is that there is a difference.  My argument is that it is the same thing.

Most days, I feel like I am going through the motions and not notice and some mornings I blatantly realize that I am a mom.  And a mom not doing quite that good of a job.  This morning as I am putting Rachel in her car seat, there is an abominable smell.  I asked Rachel if she pooped.  She sure did..and she confirms it with such satisfaction.  (She gets this from Ching...I look at her with jealousy.)  I don't have time to run her back inside, and upstairs because I have to get Laurel to her bus stop.  So I run inside, grab a diaper, wipes and a plastic bag.  As I am driving to Laurel's bus stop, the stink is really packing a punch (also from Ching) and I can't wait until we get to Rachel's daycare.  Also keep in mind that I very rarely take Laurel to her stop and she is doubting every turn I take..."you know, Daddy doesn't go this way."  I find the stop but not without parking my car in the wrong direction of a one way street.  Since it is quiet, I stay there and get Laurel on her bus.  I can't take Rachel's stink anymore so I change her in the back of the CRV...of course about five cars drive by as I am doing this.  But she is clean and I wrapped the diaper in the plastic bag and put it in the back.  (There was no receptacle near and I certainly don't want to litter the fine city of Newton.)

But here is the rub...I forget the diaper and I as I get my hot car at 5:07 there is that epiphany...I am a mom..sometimes good, sometimes shitty.

Why is it called a Girls Weekend? This isn't freakin' Girl Scout Camp!

I thought Vegas was a fluke.  I never had that much fun.

When I hear the term "Girls Weekend", I tend to cringe. (Quite frankly, it sounds like Girl Scout camp.) Not only am I not a people person but I am definitely not a woman's person.  I don't think I am very supportive, I don't like hugging and I would rather be alone.  I tend to make fun of ladies that cackle in a flock.  (OHHH Hiiii!....oh Christ, I say.)  I jump to the assumption that the weekend will be me, having to hold the hair of a woman who can't hold her on liquor.  I also jump to the assumption that I will feel left out at some point.

But back in May of 2011, when I got Sue's invitation to Vegas to celebrate her 40th, I didn't even give it a second thought.  Maybe I was lonely for a different type of friendship and needed a break.  I am not referring to the Wang family vacay kind of break where I don't sleep through the night and have to make sure that all restaurants that we are considering serve either grilled cheese or chicken nuggets.  Also I needed a break from Ching.  Around that time, Ching and I were very snippy to each other..many a day, I just wanted to smash his face in.  When I told him that I was going to Vegas with some old friends, he was kind of shocked.  Not only was it out of character, but I am sure he was fantasizing about some sort of pillow fight in our undies.

I have never been good with female friendships.  I am someone that is very low maintenance and hope that any woman that I befriend is the same.  I think it sounds worse that it is.  My first priority is my family and myself.  I have had friends of the past that were so wrapped up in themselves and I felt that I was catering to them.  They tended to be women that would say "call me" or "visit me" but never reciprocate. I had to drop them like a stone.  Over time, I became appreciative of the friends that I still have and skeptical about making new ones.

While there were several women invited to celebrate with Sue, there were three women that left me very intrigued and nervous.  I had so much anxiety about this trip.  While we had re-connected on Facebook, shared several laughs in e-mails, what would it be like face to face?  It had been almost 20 years.  Good Lord, it felt like high school all over again.  I just hoped that they didn't think that I was an asshole.

They didn't!  (Imagine that?!) This Vegas trip was a blessing which I know sounds ironic..a blessing in Vegas.  But I was able to re-connect with three woman of my past, Sue, Heidi and Lesley..and I was quite grateful.  I don't consider myself cool but with these three, I felt 15 pounds lighter, witty and Hollywood cool.  JCW was just herself..and I was grateful.

The Vegas trip was so good that we decided to meet at Lesley's camp in Maine for a weekend.  Like any weekend away from my family, I am seized with anxiety and guilt.  Perhaps I shouldn't be away from my family or be around other people for a small amount of time.  (Again, I tend to be awkward around people..I pawn it off to not being a people person.)  Vegas was amazingly fun...I was hoping it wasn't a fluke.  I was hoping that the Maine weekend would be fun too.

The weekend was great.  It was very low key, gorgeous weather and I was around three other women, all of whom have children, work very hard and love to laugh.  I was very surprised when I didn't really want to leave.  I missed Ching and the girls--they were constantly on my mind.  But during this weekend, I feel very relaxed and on vacation.  I don't think that has happened since 2005.  But I did have to go..my liver was hardening by the hour and my freakin' scale said I gained six pounds?

I can run it off well before our next weekend.

As I walk into the home of the Fab Four Family Wang, I tend not to notice a lot..until I have a guest

The majority of the time, as I walk into the home of the Fab Four Family Wang, I tend not to notice a lot.  I am home, glad to make it through the door to my peeps.   But with any guest, my eyes dart from side to side like I want to make a frantic get away.  It doesn't matter who the guest is--Holy Cripe...my eyes see things that I didn't see that morning:

• The myriad of sippy/covered cups and snack wrappers? Apparently my girls don't know where the kitchen sink is or the trash. (Right now, the placing those cups in the dishwasher is a freakin' pipe dream.)
• God damn, Ching has his socks all over the place..all over...like he has 8 feet.  How many socks can one man wear and not one in the hamper?
• And, to my dismay, we have a small family of spiders weaving webs all the freak over...
• The previous owners did such a crappy paint job if you look closely..and right now, I am looking closely.
• Laurel is killing me the the toothpaste gobs.  Jesus, does she play with it?
• And their (the girls) bathroom that doubles as the guests' bathroom has a tub with a princess mat and a slow drain.
• (God damn, I hope the towels smell fresh.)
• The empty corner in the formal living room is an actual debate between Ching and me...while we want the same chair, he wants it in dark leather and I want it in a fabric that contrasts against the sofa.
• And then the toy over indulgence in the family room..apparently I am just a little bitch to my children's demands.  (I am not solely taking the fall---it is Ching too.)

My eyes...my eyes!!!  They are darting side to side so fast that I may get a headache.  Thankfully I have enough liquid hostess on hand...my home always looks great with that.

That song brings me right back to 1984.

Laurel has her camp talent show next week (which I plan to attend).  She is very excited.  Apparently she is part of a group of girls that are dancing to Girls Just Want to Have Fun.  That song brings me right back to 1984.  I was 12 and on the precipice of teen awkwardness and angst---good times.  I told Laurel that I loved that song and I was in the sixth grade when I would dance to it.

Me: Laurel, I loved that song.  You know I was in the sixth grade when it came out.
Her:Yeah, I know.  It is a really old song.

Jesus, right in the gut.  I don't know what made me feel older her comment or seeing two gray hairs trying to mesh into my regular hair.  There was no meshing of those hairs.  They are not even gray but shimmering white.  Putting tinsel in my hair would be more subtle.

I look past her comment and offer to download the song on her play list. Excitedly she says yes.  So I do. I put it on her play list and hand her my phone  I find it funny how she uses my IPhone like a transistor radio.

Her:  What is this?
Me:  The song you wanted-Girls Just Want to Have Fun.
Her:  But who is this woman?  (The emphasis on the word "this" just drips with contempt.  And what does she mean, "this woman?")
Me:  Laurel--this is Cyndi Lauper.  This song is her song.
Her:  I like Miley Cyrus.  Do you know who she is?
Me:  (Yes Laurel I do..that young post Disney minx has seem to dodge the Lindsey Lohan curse over the past few years.)  
Her:  We dance to Miley Cyrus. It is kind of faster than this song. (She seems to be embarrassed for me.)
Me:  Would you like me to download the Miley version? (God help me.)
Her:  Pleeeeeze..

So I do.  And while Laurel has told me the song, I am not allowed to see the dance moves.  But I peek every now and then.  I notice that she dances without abandon just like I did, back in 1984.

The lunch was turkey tacos..secretly I was hoping for full fat sour cream and guac...

While I say that I am a betting woman (because I think that it makes me sound cool), it is likely that I am going to be wrong.  But today, my friends, I was right to stand my ground!

Over the weekend, I noticed that Laurel's second session of camp was hosting a Parent's Day on August 8th.  (Yep, that $5000 camp is almost over..) Of course, initially, I thought this was yesterday as I was home after my wonderful women's weekend.  I said that I could go and even sent my reservation so I could eat with Laurel in the dining hall. (This place is fancy..not a cafeteria but a dining hall.  I can see Laurel at 17 insisting on a small liberal arts college in upstate NY because it reminds her of camp.  Of course this camp will be $70K a year...) The lunch was turkey tacos..secretly I was hoping for full fat sour cream and guac...

But then I realized that Parent's Day was on August 8th...I was back at work.  Ching was also at work...with issues that I will explain later.  I could not and would not bend...I was not going to participate in Parent's Day.  Laurel was mad.."a Ching-Wang, there-is-red-on-my-spreadsheet" mad.

She wasn't upset about not having a parent there.  She wanted anyone there..her parent, a relative, a sitter, maybe her pediatrician.  She was convinced that she would be the only camper without a "parent" during parent's day.  She was worried..but I gave her a new pack of gum.  This seemed to get her on the bus.

While I write tough, I am not.  All day I worried about the amount of parents that could actually attend Parent's Day. But, holy cripe, so glad that I am not there.  I don't know these freakin' parents..they are from all over the area and most can't park their luxury vehicle in a slanted parking space.  (My 2003 Corolla corners on rails...yeah..you got that right..)

Well, paint me red and smack me in the fanny...Laurel was fine.  There were very few parent's that reserved a lunch of turkey taco's.  Laurel told me that there were more kids without parents than those with parents that could attend Parent's Day.  I told her that her camper friends are enrolled in camp because no one is at home to watch them.  Parents need to work.  The point hasn't hit home yet.  The concept is like a brick that is constantly chipped away.  I don't know when the brick is going to give.  I just keep explaining the equation of what you have is relative to the work that your parents do daily (and even on the weekends because of the lovely laptops.)

I am not sure if she understood the concept but I was pleased (because I won!)  Because the masses didn't have parents there, she was just fine.  Secretly, while breathing a sigh of relief,  I freakin' doubting that this camp, while fancy, had as good a guac that they serve at Chipotle.

I walk into my home and think, "What in God's name would happen if I had the flu?"

During this past weekend, I got together with some friends at a lake in Maine. ( I will write about the weekend later when I can do my ladies proper justice.).  As I leave, there is an underlying wave of guilt.  As I am having fun and am genuinely happy of the friendships that I have, I still feel guilty.  Shouldn't I be home with my family, doing whatever it is, that I do?  This guilt disappears as soon as I walk through the door.  Oh Christ.

First of all, I do feel compelled to say that my mom stayed  for a bit and didn't leave the house in ranging chaos.  The Wang residence was picked up and in order.  (Order in my sense of the word.  Not my sister who in a previous life was a military drill sargent.)

I walk into my home and think, "What in God's name would happen if I had the flu?"

I look into the fridge and notice that the "high maintenance fruits" like mango and melon, that I specifically peeled and cut were never touched.  I am not even sure how many times the refrigerator was even opened.  Perhaps for just juice, milk and Nana's special juice?

The three, maybe four loads of laundry that I do on the weekend were not attempted.  Two of Laurel's swimsuits and beach towels were washed and dried for Monday's camp.  I am not sure what I should think is more (ridic!)..the three loads waiting for me or the one load that Ching did was just four pieces of clothing?

(Again, my home is tidy. And dude, how fun was that weekend?!)

But then I see the product of Laurel and Nana time...Laurel's bookshelf is totally cleaned out.  There is a lone bottle of some weird colored liquid.  Where did all her art things go?  I look in her closet...apparently, her fall pants and shirts are on the shelf.  (Yeah, that's not going to stay like that...)  And then in the dresser drawer are the art supplies?  Well, a new task just added to my things to do list for this coming weekend.  I later find out that the liquid is a potion of water, food coloring, pepper, and rotini...I have no freakin' idea other than Laurel thinks she is a witch.

Again, my home is tidy.  My mom helped Ching when he thinks he needs help.  (I am not sure if I would call my mom if Ching had a guys weekend.)  The girls are healthy and happy to see me.  Ching is also happy to see me and as I see the three loads, I am trying to plan the next outing with my best women.