I didn't want to ruin it and tell him that the women that he pays for really don't expect a gift, just payment.

There are two parts to tonight's entry...I didn't think that one part was good without the other.  Also it's a good lesson not to get too joyous because you may, just may, be kicked in the ass.

(This is Part I.)  Yesterday, I overheard some (men) talk about that crap holiday known as Valentine's Day.  I agree that the day is a sham but I couldn't help but be nosey and listen in---I may not have the best reading comprehension or word retrieval but I have really good hearing and listening skills.  I think in a past life, I was a spy.  Anyway, one guy got his girl a non-traditional gift that she mentioned that she would like.  One guy talked about getting candy...kind of cliche but my favorite was the loudmouth talking about how he is so ripped off by the day.  I didn't want to ruin it and tell him that the women that he pays for really don't expect a gift, just payment.

I sat that basking in the future glow of my gift from Mr. Ching Wang.  I don't believe that this was intended on being a gift but it falls on 2/15 and I am so excited.  So he might as well use it as a gift---CCW take a bow and the credit..  Ching is taking the girls to Ohio for a four day weekend to visit is aunt and uncle.  I don't have to go!  The weekend is all mine...all mine!

This has never happened since we had Rachel.  Ching took Laurel to Minnesota back in 2008.  Not only was that so long ago that I can barely remember but the lice that she got one week after she got back seemed to diminish all relaxation from JCW only time.  I have joked that I would go to rehab or jail just for some JCW time.  Yesterday, while on RadarOnline (yes, it sucks me in) I was checking this story on Jodi Arias and her jail.  That little cell didn't look bad to me.  Granted you have to poop and wipe in front of people but I would do that if it meant that I wasn't given the shake down for a snack every 20 minutes from either kid.  And don't get my started on Lindsey Lohan...all the times she could go to rehab to better herself in peace.

I have such a list of things that I would like to do.  I am giving myself time to list and plan.  I can plan not to make another box of macaroni and cheese.  I can plan not to be woken up before 8:00 on the weekend.  Once I pick up the toys on Friday, they will remain untouched until Tuesday evening.  This will be a glimpse back in time when I was single but it's better...I am smarter and have more money to spend.  I will toss "a project" over this four days to feel a little productive.  I have wanted to clean up the laundry room for some time.  Ching will be told that I did this task since he very rarely goes into this room.

I am counting down the days.  Perhaps my excitement is a little too evident to Laurel.  She was telling her sitter about the trip.  And said this....  (This is the lead in to Part II)

LAW: "Mom isn't going to Ohio with us because (wait for it..3, 2, 1) she is not a people person."

Holy shit!  How does she know this about me?  Good God...first, damage control.

JCW: "Laurel, do you remember a few months ago when we had a girls' weekend in Maine?  Daddy stayed home for some alone time.  Remember?"
LAW: "Yes."
JCW:  "I like my alone time.  I am not, not going (Jesus, she understood the double negative) because I don't like people.   I love spending time with you, Rachel and Daddy...but I am tired and this is my little vacation.  And please don't tell Ah-Ma and Ah-Gong that I am not a people person.  This may hurt their feelings."

What the freak else does she know--my weakness for adult beverages?  That I squirrel cash in my underwear drawer for JCW only purchases?  My avoidance of hugs?  But again, this is me and why should I tighten it up to avoid awkwardness.  I will just tighten up until they come back from Ohio...and then I will address it with Laurel.  I need JCW time before that...address awkward social skills with Laurel and the big bad potty with Rachel.

I wouldn't spend time on myself but would make chicken nuggets for Rachel's lunch at 5:45 am?

(I feel compelled to warn you.  I use questionable slang that some may use to describe female genitalia.  I didn't use the big, bad one.  And true to my word, I still have not used the f-bomb because my mother asked me not to.)

In the morning, I got into this terrible habit of minimizing my "get ready" minutes.  Foregoing make-up, wearing a "wrinkle-free" blouse out of the fresh out of the dryer, a vigorous hair brushing (rather than re-straightening) gave me minutes back.   I could get ready, with a shower, in 11 minutes.  I am not really sure why I was willing to get up earlier to make fancier lunches, unload the dishwasher or attend an 8:00 meeting but not to get ready with a little extra for myself?

I needed to change this.  It was so asinine that I wouldn't spend time on myself but would make chicken nuggets for Rachel's lunch at 5:45 am?  I was committed on giving myself 15 minutes every morning.  Regularly I would get up at 6:00 (I have become a lot faster in the making lunch department), but now I get up at 5:45.  Most people would say that they would rather sleep for an extra 15 but for me this was better than rest.  I am able to lotion (my skin is in shock..it's been awhile since I have used lotion), use make-up, press my clothes, accessorize and make my lunch.  I know this makes me sound like High Maintenance Judith but I feel so much better.  And God damn it, there is a spring in my step.  (Much to the chagrin to CCW---he had nothing to do with my bounce step.)

I don't want to give the impression that I now must go out made up.  On the weekends, when I am casual, make-up doesn't matter.  I just give myself 15 minutes on something else.  But, I do like it and I feel less...manly looking.  I am just proud that I am telling myself that I am worth 15 minutes.  Just 15...clam to glam, twat to hot.

This 15 minute commitment came just in time.  This morning I needed it to camo up a fat zit like I was 15 again.  Flashback to 1987 right in the middle of my face.

Let me make this clear, I have never hit him with malice. Maybe a little arm punch...but that's it.

With the new year, I have really tried to improve my way of life.  Not huge resolutions that slam down a hammer that says, "no more" but more small steps and just completing the day.  (What I do tomorrow is...well, tomorrow.  I don't worry about that now.)  I have gone back to the gym, cut back on both the bacon encrusted sandwiches and booze.  It is amazing how many small "not great things" add up to an ass kicking morning full of haze.  I wanted to stop that...needed to stop that.  JCW was losing her spark.

I did noticed while my spark was burning lower that I became more tolerant of other people's short comings.  If I was behind the 8 ball, Christ, I couldn't fault anyone else that was there too.  But with a little clarity each morning, each day, I find that I am no longer behind the 8 ball.  But now I have very little tolerance for those that are...most days I want to grab the ball and hurl it at their head.

While I am on my game and quite efficient around the household Wang, I don't think this is Ching's gain.  This morning after Ching got Rachel dressed, he looked at me with a pleading puss.
CCW:  "If you take them both to school, I will take them both tomorrow."
JCW:  "But you usually do this anyway...take them both on Tuesday because I have an 8:00 meeting.  (Believe me, I would rather take Rachel than this meeting.)  Wait a freakin' minute.  Are you going back to bed?"
CCW:  (I swear he backs up a little like I am going to hit him.  Let me make this clear, I have never hit him with malice.  Maybe a little arm punch...but that's it.)  "I didn't sleep at all last night.  I just need 30 more minutes."
JCW:  "Fine... "Yeah it is fine because I am on my freakin' game!  "And I know you slept last night--the three times that I woke up to your snoring, you were in fact, asleep."

In the past, I would be fine with this because I was probably slipping in some other arena...forgetting a school form, wrinkled blouse, cranky and wanting to go back to bed too.  The slipping would make me feel guilty and there was the endless cycle of "not so great" things.

But now I am not. And I like it.  While I know Ching fully appreciates this in the evenings, I know that he probably doesn't in the morning.   Perhaps I should add tolerance as one of my small steps---just hard after a night of manly nasal snoring.

Ching gets jumpy when there is no WiFi in a hotel room. Lot of fun he would be.

Putting those stupid Diary of a Wimpy Kid books aside, I wanted to teach Laurel a lesson of how much that she has and what she takes for granted.  Maybe it is the current questioning of her birthday party, guests and gifts.  I have somewhat had enough so I am trying to teach her that less is more.   We are reading the Little House on the Prairie series.

Since Laurel was very young, she likes to be read to before she goes to sleep.  Since she got the Ingalls-Wilder series for Christmas, I thought she would want to start with book 1--Little House in the Big Woods.  I really liked this book.  There wasn't a lot of struggle and everyday life was very basic.  I can't imagine the girls and me doing just wash on Mondays, butter churning on Tuesdays...all the while Ching is outside, trying to milk a cow.  I find the notion somewhat romantic...less is more, working very hard, providing basics to your family and going to bed exhausted but fulfilled.  Easy to say but I have neither camped nor signed up for one of the Amish vacations.  (Ching gets jumpy when there is no WiFi in a hotel room.  Lot of fun he would be.)

Laurel insisted that she wanted to start with The Long Winter.  Holy Crap--let's just dive deep into struggle.  Okay with me, but you better believe that I mention this book everytime she complains that the weather is too cold or that she just has to have a snack right before dinner (because she is so hungry).  While the cold and hunger were the obvious differences, I was surprised to remember other things that I could try to teach her.  Laura had very few choices about her future--she knew that she was either going to teach or farm like her Ma.  There was very little "playing"--she had to help a lot and sometimes, there was a lot of waiting if there was a blizzard.  Not much to read, no television or Ipad.  And she never talked back.

I am not sure how much sinks into Laurel's mind when we are reading.  The whole "getting water from a well" and outhouse doesn't seem to phase her yet.  I am hoping it will by book #3 or perhaps knowing that Laura's Ma didn't have to stand outside (the outhouse) in case Laura was afraid of a noise or falling in make get her to sit up and listen.

We have more boxes of macaroni and cheese in this house than we do toilet paper.

Every now and then, the Wang's get together with the Schwartz's--and always eating a meal.  And this is the routine that follows, as dinner (always very casual of pizza, wings, tacos, etc.) is served.  Lee (Mrs. Schwartz) and I (Mrs. Wang) get food prepped for the kids while Tony and Ching start to eat.  Mr. Schwartz and Mr. Wang start to eat even before the kids start their meal.  Lee looks at me with a "please let this be your next blog topic" gaze and then glances at Tony.  He claims that he isn't much help because he is so hungry.  I look at Ching and he stops eating.  Don't give him any credit because what he has jammed in his mouth could probably have feed three beefy toddlers for a couple of days.  Lee and I eventually eat...I don't know about you but I am usually my hungriest when I can't eat and have to cut food in tiny pieces for little people.  I could gnaw off a finger as an app.

This is something that I have come to accept---I just got used to it.  Until last night...

Ching and I have a slight change to our schedule.  He picked the girls up from school.  I told him that I would leave work by 5:30, get dry cleaning (his) and go to CVS (because JCW needs her crazy pills).  I told him that I would be home no later than 6:30.  For our dinner, we were going to heat up a lamb stew that I made a couple nights before.  While at the dry cleaners, I got a text saying that he emptied the dishwasher and he was checking to see if there was anything else that needs to be done.  I said no, thinking that he was multi-tasking with dinner and the dishwasher.  And was mildly impressed.

I get home and smell the stew re-heating.  Ching is eating his first helping.  I turn to him and ask what he made the girls.
CCW:  Well, I didn't know what you were doing for their dinner.
JCW:  So they haven't eaten?
CCW:  I didn't know when exactly you were coming home.  (It is 6:30---just like I said.)
JCW:  Have the girls eaten?
CCW:  Well, no...
JCW:  THE GIRLS HAVEN'T EATEN BUT YOU ARE?
CCW:  Yes...but I really didn't know what to make.
JCW:  We have more boxes of macaroni and cheese in this house than we do toilet paper.  That is always the fall back.

I cannot explain his thought process.  I cannot understand how Rachel didn't kick him in the leg seeing him eat as she wasn't.  Perhaps I shouldn't let him jam those three bites in his mouth prior to me getting dinner in front of the girls.

My apologies, Lee, for not writing this sooner.  If I had, the girls would have had dinner in front of them and Ching wouldn't be trying to get in my good graces (which I am milking until Saturday).

"You are not too old to have me get this limo pulled over!"

Regardless of my political persuasion, I couldn't help but be in awe of the young daughters of the President and First Lady during the inaugural celebration.  One of the most awkward times in their lives yet they are quite poised on a global stage.  Until I was a mother of young girls, I didn't quite understand the different kind of parenting that they must receive.  I grew up watching Amy Carter and Chelsea Clinton grow up during their father's terms.  I wasn't a mother yet when the Bush twins entered during their father's first term.  I was a new mom during the second term so most days, I was so disheveled that I couldn't tell you who the president was let alone care about his girls.

But watching Malia and Sasha..wow.  You can just pull that poise out of thin air just for a day.  But I would like to think there are shreds of Wang in their household too, especially yesterday morning:
Did the First Lady have to give each of them five extra minutes in bed because they were still too tired to get up?
Unlike Laurel, they seem old enough to give concern to tidy hair.  Good God, wonder what a bad hair day is like?  Who gives a crap about the new bangs on an adult?  An adult can pull behavior together along with a ponytail.  Pre-teen/teenagers, not so much.
How many times were they told to stand up straight?
The girls wore similar colors.  Do you think there was an argument about who gets to wear what complete with sassy eye rolls?
Curious if they bickered in the limo and the President or First Lady pulled the, "You are not too old to have me get this limo pulled over!"
Wonder if they grease the wheels of parenthood too?  I am sure they offer more than $1 like Ching offers to Laurel to behave during special situations.

I am sure someone wants to interject that Sasha yawned at the end of the televised swearing in ceremony.  You know how you see someone yawn and you just can't help but mimic that same action?  Well, depending on your political preference, I am assuming that Sasha did just that.  Either she saw Crazy Joe Biden yawn or Boehner let one slip...

Apparently, the dad must have birthed them himself.

Her name is Jackie Harbaugh...she is the mom to Jim and John.  Last night when it was apparent that the Baltimore were going to meet up with the San Francisco in the Super Bowl, I couldn't help feel terrible for her.  This would be a mother's worse nightmare.  So much joy that both of her sons were reaching the ultimate game as head coach.  But as a mother, preparation for the pending dread because in two weeks, one son would be the winner and one son would be the loser.

The few articles that I have read about this historical match up didn't even mention the mother...just the father, Jack.  (Yeah that's right, their names are Jack and Jackie.)  Apparently, the dad must have birthed them himself.  The articles read that the dad prepared them for February 3, 2013. I guess, Jackie has been in the background...making sandwiches? While it's easy to get my undies twisted over this oversight, I plowed on with my thinking process.  How does a mother prepare for this?

With two kids now, I painfully make sure that everything feels fair...gifts, attention, Ipad time, sugary treats, etc.  My mother still does this with my sister and me...and we're old!  Jokingly, I will occasionally say that she likes me better than Jess but I can tell that, as her eyes dart left, then right, that she is trying to calculate what she may have done to offset the balance.  Just the uneasy look, gets me to shut the hell up.  I won't mention that again for another couple of years.

While (Jackie) will probably wear this stupid half San Fran, half Baltimore jersey, I can't help but feel for her anxiety.  Cameras will be on her and as a mother, I am sure I will be able to see the questions going through her mind:  Can I not show too much joy for the team that wins?  Or am I showing too much sympathy for the heartbroken one?

She needs to get over the fact that this will not be equitable.  One son cannot have the win this year, while the other son gets the win next year.  I think that Lance has a better shot at a comeback than this match up ever happening again.  I hope she enjoys this accomplishment as much as she possibility can.  But just in case both sons look like assholes during the game, Jackie does have a daughter too.  Probably her favorite all along.

She will be so hungry by morning that she will hide and binge on buttered pop-tarts.

This past week I was disappointed with some dopey crap.  The obvious would be the guy with one ball now admitting that he doped his way to seven titles...but nope, not him.  Or there is the guy out of Notre Dame who is the epitome of the word dopey.  There is a shred of me that kind of hopes that he was in on the hoax because if he wasn't, he looks like the village idiot.  But no..not him.  My disappointment was about a dopey mom that was gaining media attention for putting her daughter on a strict diet.

When I first saw the headline of the article, I was excited.  Finally, a mom who saw that her child was overweight and was trying to prevent a larger issue down the road.  Perhaps she was setting a positive example, portion control, exercise, etc.  Because this is what maintaining a healthy lifestyle comes down to.  (Let me scrape my soapbox across the floor and take a step up.)  I cannot stress how sick and tired I am of so many adults complaining that their health isn't good and they need to be treated for some malady...have you looked at what you put away?  Let me be the mirror...your Facebook photo of a meal of a grill full of meat with pasta salad?  That isn't good.  A pile of pasta with some sad looking iceberg lettuce masquerading as salad...not good.  Dial it down...portion control.  Can't be done with a quick fix like a band or a shot of hormones.  Okay, that's enough...my soapbox, kicked aside.

But as I was reading what she was doing to her daughter, my reaction was a disappointing "oh shit".  The diet was some sort of "Red Light/Green Light" program.  (I know, I thought of the same thing...is dessert, Red Rover, Red Rover?)  One of the main premises is if you have too many calories during the day, dinner must be skipped.  Awesome.  Not only has this child's metabolism slowed because of the skipped meal but she will be so hungry by morning that she will hide and binge on buttered pop-tarts. 

I was hoping that I would hear of a solution to constantly letting your kids snack--bad, good?  Currently my theory is 2 good snacks to 1 sugary/salty one.  And is your kid really hungry or are they bored?  Or maybe they ate too fast?  And Jesus, how much guilt do you feel when you tell your kid that they have had enough? Once I was at a family dinner where two boys (9 and 7) inhaled their dinner.  They ate a lot--each had two pieces of chicken, pork and cabbage dumplings and two vegetables.  The parents cut them off and the boys whined that they were still hungry but after not eating for 15 minutes, they were not.  Their stomachs finally had the opportunity to communicate with their brain.  They could have eaten until they got sick and over time, got very large. 

I was hoping the hear the mom talk about situations like this one, not about skipping meals to regulate weight.  What a whack job.  Apparently, her daughter is at a healthy weight now but, that opinion depends on which doctor you ask.  I just hope this young girl had two really good meals if her mom made her skip dinner.  Good God, makes you want to drink your dinner.

Hello Kitty has nothing on these pants...these are Grade A pre-trampy.

Last night, as I was nursing a cold and a red nose, Ching took the girls to Friendly's (a place where I refuse to eat) and then to Target.  I get a text asking if the girls need anything.  I respond that they need pants...Laurel always needs an extra pair of leggings and Rachel always needs bigger pants...around the waist.  I make it clear what sizes are appropriate.  When they get home, Laurel bursts through the door to show me her new pants.  Oh God, something is definitely wrong when she wants to show me a bland pair of leggings.

Out of the bag, she pulls out a pair of bright pink, shiny, metallic leggings. (Please see below.)  Honestly my first reaction was silent jealousy.  I would have killed for a pair of pants like this when I was Laurel's age.  These were the type of pants that Olivia Newton-John could have worn in the final scene of Grease...you know, when she was "Slutty Sandy".  But then I snap back to reality.  There is a reason why I never wore pants like this.  They look so freakin' cheap and trashy!  Hello Kitty has nothing on these pants...these are Grade A pre-trampy.  Did Ching forget one of his main responsibilities as a father of a girl?  Keep them away from the pole!  These pants could be a mild pre-curser for dollars in a thong!

I know I am overreacting.  And I want Laurel to be able to express herself but not with these pants.  I also find it ironic that Ching goads and then bribes Laurel to do nightly math homework to create a numerical genius and then gets her these cheap looking pants.  Pants that scream, "I have to get your attention with these obnoxious pants rather than my intellectual prowess".

I know the predicament he was in last night.  She gravitated toward them and he couldn't say no.  He wanted to look like a hero.  And just like they look, they were literally quite cheap.  And now I am going to try to cover them up with a skirt.  Or maybe they will get "lost".  But before they are disposed of, I can look like a hero too.  Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping.  Perhaps I will get a couple week's supply of Cookie Crisp--probably more expensive than those pants.

Does her mother know that her daughter is an asshole?

I knew this kid was bad news from the start.  After one play date, I never wanted her to come over again.  It took two more play dates to convince Ching.  Call me judgemental or him, slow on the uptake.  While Laurel's friend did say please and thank you, she had this mouthy sass that was hard for me to pinpoint to Laurel.  She exaggerated, she told Laurel scary stories and that she needed to watch her calories.  Laurel told me that she intimidated other girls when working on a class project.  I told Laurel to walk away from this girl if she made her angry or sad.  Laurel said that they were the best of friends.  When her bestie challenged Ching's authority, we stopped inviting her over.

This girl is very articulate and smart.  (I am dating myself with this example.)  She reminds me of Gary Coleman (you know, Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes)...for split second, the child may seem funny but then the laughter turns uncomfortable and there is no humor.  She is being rude.  And you kind of want to smack her in the mouth.

Does her mother know this?  Does her mother know that her daughter is an asshole?  Of course, I wouldn't use that word with the mother.  I would only use it behind her back when talking to Ching.  Does the mom know that the Wangs are one of three families that have cut this girl off to any Saturday play?  As a mom, I would want to know.  But perhaps I wouldn't see.

God, if Dina Lohan could see maybe we wouldn't have been exposed to Liz and Dick.

We are biding our time with this girl.  Next year, we are asking to have Laurel in a different classroom.  Good Lord, this could get awkward.  Hope she moves away.

Damn it! I was going to be the fun parent...and I didn't want to cook dinner.

I wanted to be the fun parent tonight.  Ching is always a load of fun, taking the girls to play areas and gelato.  Damn it!  I was going to be the fun parent...and I didn't want to cook dinner.  Tonight Ching is out of town and rather than doing the standard McD's (at almost seven Laurel still calls it Old McDonalds) or some random restaurant, I decide to take them the Shaw's, the grocery store.  While I had to get milk, I told the girls to get whatever they would like for dinner.

I did have my reservations of doing this.  On Saturday, Laurel saw this football sized whoopie pie and I did have to consider that this may be dinner.  But I was quite surprised by Laurel's response...not by Rachel.  As soon asked her what she wanted for dinner, she screamed, "Chips!".  But Laurel was trying to figure out what she should have for dinner.  She asked for another brand of mac and cheese.  Really Laurel?  All the while, Rachel is screaming..."Chips, Chips...Give me Chips!"

Keeping Laurel away from the bakery section, I did explain that this meal could be an opportunity to have pizza, or perhaps breakfast for dinner.  Maybe she could get one of those sugary cereals that Nana gets her.  She sprinted to the cereal aisle with all the choices.  She sang eeny-meeny-myny-mo for about two minutes.  Rachel still bellowed for her chips.  And finally, Laurel chose Cookie Crisp.  (For the record, Nana never bought me any Cookie Crisp.)  Along with the cereal, we picked up two overpriced, out of season fruits...and the milk.

I did have to mediate a disagreement between the girls.  Rachel wanted potato chips while Laurel asked for Doritos.  I gave Rachel her choice because Laurel got the cereal and I didn't want either child to breathe Dorito breath on me.

I had the best dinner with my girls that consisted of Cookie Crisp, Lay's, raspberries and watermelon.  All that without having a Big Mac rock in my gut...but I do have to figure out what to do with the rest of that cereal.  Tomorrow we are back to the standard Rice Krispies...the generic version.

Nothing amuses me more than Ching letting me know that he has recently gone to a strip club.

Nothing amuses me more than Ching letting me know that he has recently gone to a strip club.  I am not sure what the thrill is for me...his honesty, his laughter at the ridiculous situation or the potential of blog gold.

Last night Ching went to a "Gentleman's Club" with some old college friends.  I knew this was going to happen.  This was the thing to do when they were younger and since Ching and his friends are close to 40, I knew they would try to recapture some of their youth.  I only had one request of Ching:  if you come home smelling like skanky broad, sleep closer to the edge than the middle of the bed. (And mental note...change the sheets...)

While Ching cannot remember the honey that gave him a dance, he does remember what she said. (I would like to think her name was Apollonia.)
CCW:  "She told me that she was a nymphomaniac."  He giggles like an 11 year old checking out a picture of boobies.
JCW:  "Was that a turn on?"  I truly try to ask this in a non-mocking way.
CCW:  "Uh, no...but I think if I offered her $100, she would have told me that short Asian men with glasses turn her on."  (I knew he wouldn't like the nympho line.  Ching talks a big game about liking skanky girls but it truly is all talk.  Telling Ching that she was a nympho probably freaked him out a little.  I am sure he sat back just a touch, unsure of her cleanliness.  She should have told him that she likes several chicks at once...like most men, that's his thing.)
JCW:  "Oh, I am sure she would."  Make a mental note to say this when you over spend.

Ching walks away still taken with the nymph comment.  Stupid, stupid girl....you could have gotten a lot more than a $100 if you told him that you did funky stuff on Excel spreadsheets.  And probably secured a line item for another visit.

Have a seat Apollonia, your mistake is quite possibly my gain.

I just need that one that talks about her love of antiques and avoidance of sex. Heh....

These are just random thoughts that I had through out this week:

I truly hope that my reaction to seeing my girls at 5:30 pick up mirrors their reaction.  They are always so happy to see me and I know, in just a few years, rather than being happy, their reaction will be a bland "hey".

I may need to cut my long hair.  I saw a lot of women this week, similar in age, with long, dry processed hair and it looked ridiculous.  While I may wuss out on my decision, at least I will buy some really good conditioner.

Do you know that it is easier to tell someone an embarrassing drunken story about yourself than it is to say, "I am not going to drink tonight"?  Someone told me that I was really funny when I drank.  I don't really like to hear that.  It kind of sounds like a compliment but really, it isn't.  I know that my drunken humor is really me just being obnoxious without a filter (and a weak bladder).

I would really love it if some man scorned would write a break-up song about Taylor Swift.  Just one...I just need that one that talks about her love of antiques and avoidance of sex.  Heh....

Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, is truly a graceful person...saying that self portrait is beautiful.  It's kind of nice but she is not "kind of beautiful"...she is beautiful.  And that picture is so not AND she looks kind of constipated.

No matter how much money I spend on clothes, I will never look like Olivia Pope.  But I will try.  Maybe I could be the white, Talbot's version of Olivia Pope.

It is just a matter of time until she is googling, "How to be a Nemesis to your Mother".

Buying the Ipad was my idea.  I looked at the purchase as a luxury...it was a toy that the Wangs clearly didn't need but I really wanted it.  When I refer to the Wangs, I am only referring to Ching and me.  For about a year, the Ipad was just ours but Laurel has taken hold of our luxury.

Every morning, one of her first questions: "Where is the Ipad?"  We had to establish a rule of "breakfast, dressed, teeth," before she could use it in the morning.  This is when the first issue started:  distraction.  This "toy" has slowed her routine down immensely.  She also seems to be hard of hearing too.

Second issue:  stickiness.  What in God's name is on her hands?  The screen is always so dirty and smudged.  (At least I hope it's her hands that are dirty and not Ching's.)

The current issue:  What the hell is she watching?  At the beginning, it was about educational apps, then a few games--you know, tilt the screen to drive a car or make and decorate several cupcakes.  But she has bypassed this.  Right now it's about You Tube.  She started watching Gangham Style while dancing.  (This annoying song ranks up there with "Who Let the Dogs Out?")  Appropriately, this video morphed into videos of Annoying Orange.  These are very weird parodies of popular songs being sung by an orange.  The piece of fruit has human eyes and mouth.  Being that Laurel jumps at her own shadow, I am surprised this doesn't freak her out.  The yellowish hue of the teeth (on the orange) makes me look away.

Now, Ching and I are wondering what these videos could prompt as the next video?  Weird could lead to sass, profanity or nudity.

(I know that is a stretch but a guy that I work with has a six year old niece that was recently busted for looking at pictures of penises on Google.  I know this is unavoidable to a certain point.  Kids are curious...I just don't want to go there yet.  And penises?  Really?  This poor little girl doesn't even know how much she is going to avoid them when she is married, early 40's.)

Currently Laurel can only use the Ipad when I am within earshot. And while I can use it as a bartering tool now, it will get worse.  Rachel is now using it--currently she likes Monkey Math and Easy Bake Oven but it is just a matter of time until she is googling, "How to be a Nemesis to your Mother".

Next time I get a luxury item, it will be for JCW only.

I was thinking about clapping my hands over my ears and screaming, "la-la-la-la-la".

Recently, Laurel, out of the blue, started to talk about being uncomfortable in a classroom setting.  Immediately, I wish that she was younger because she is entering a dynamic that wasn't present in pre-school.  Everyone got along, boys didn't have cooties and all girls were cool.  Whatever she is dealing with now is just going to get worse.  I was thinking about clapping my hands over my ears and screaming, "la-la-la-la-la".  But I don't.
LAW:  "I had to ask Kyle for help on a math problem."
JCW:  "Kyle?  That nice boy who won the Turkey Trot like you?  Went to the same camp?  He seems really kind." As opposed to the little jerk that laughed at your juice box for having Elmo on it.  "And his mother seems nice too."  Laurel, nice is code for normal.
LAW:  "Yeah.  He is nice but Naima said because I talked to him I must like him or be in love with him."
JCW:  Jes-us Christ!  And who is this Naima twerp?  She sounds like she needs to be kicked in the face.  "Because you asked a question?  That is a little crazy Laurel"  Stay calm, JCW.  "You know, I work with many men and I ask them questions.  I am not in love with them.  Did Kyle help you or did he feel uncomfortable too?"
LAW:  "Uh..yes, no...huh?"
JCW: Oh Christ, I just confused her.  "Laurel, was Kyle mad when you asked him for help?"
LAW: "No, but it was really uncomfortable."
JCW:  "When did this happen today?"
LAW:  "It didn't."
JCW:  "Last week?"
LAW: "No, it happened in November."
JCW:  "In November--is everything okay?"  Did I miss this?
LAW:  "Oh yeah, not a big deal.  Have you seen the Ipad?"
JCW:  "So glad that I could help."  I feel kind of manipulated and really confused.  I am grateful that I didn't slip and offer to buy her something during this conversation.  Laurel has not idea that she really could have milked this one.  Ching falls for this all the time and I have a reputation to think about.

I have tried smiling and keeping my eyes open a little wider but that just makes me look like I am being jabbed with an electric cattle prod.

Rachel isn't the only Wang that dreads picture day.  For a brief few moments between the hours of 7-8 tomorrow morning, I am getting a head shot taken for work.  Why this picture is needed, I have no idea.  But I do know this, I don't want the picture taken.  It seemed like a lifetime ago since I loved getting not only my picture taken but spending countless hours looking at myself.  (I can't even imagine how much I would have enjoyed digital back then.)

I am not horrible look at---you certainly don't cringe and avoid eye contact when you see me, but I am older.  When this picture is taken, will my age be evident?  Will the lack of elasticity of my skin burn me as I smile and the droopiness will all of a sudden be apparent?  (I have tried smiling and keeping my eyes open a little wider but that just makes me look like I am being jabbed with an electric cattle prod.)  Can you see any trace of booze bloat?  Will I have a tired yet crazy look in my eyes where you can tell that I am constantly multi-tasking?  Holy crap, now I know why Barbara Walters uses all those filters and the television screen always looks hazy.

Very rarely do I show up in a picture.  The last picture I looked at of myself and was truly amazed was the Wang wedding picture.  I look amazing...alert and have amazing make-up that would make any tranny jealous.  The picture that is on this website is 12 years old.  While the photo could be misleading advertising since it was taken prior to being married or a mother, I think of the picture as an "author shot".  This is the type of photo that would be on the back of a hard cover book jacket of "All Wang, All the Time." When the real book deal comes through, I will update my picture...so the joys of motherhood and marriage are clearly evident on my face.

Tomorrow, I will have not be able to hide behind my girls like I do in most shots.  I will try to smooth my hair until it is just a shade away from looking greasy.  I will spackle on the under eye cover up to hide any dark circles.  I will practice a couple smiles that are a fine line between not too horsey yet not having a stick up my butt.  And, of course, I will beg the photographer to let me have the final say.

I don't want to be this type of mother or a wife...but what's a woman to do?

I don't want to be this type of mother or a wife...but what's a woman to do?

Every Friday, Ching will take both girls to school.  This allows me to either go to work early or sleep later.  This past Friday, I chose the sleep.  While Ching was getting ready for work, I got both girls ready and put all their stuff out: lunches, backpacks, boots, snow pants hats, gloves, etc.  (One of the many reasons for warm weather--less freakin' stuff.)  Everyone is ready to go and I go up, quickly shower and get myself ready.  As I am upstairs, they leave.  As I come downstairs ready to go, I also notice that they left their hats and gloves.  I specifically put them in front of each mound of stuff so they would be noticed and put on prior to getting into the car.  Both girls will be glove-less and hat-less today...God, I hope they notice that Ching dropped them off, connect the two and know that I had nothing to do with this.  How could you not freakin' notice?

This morning I went into the kitchen, peered in the sink, to find a sponge floating in a cereal bowl half filled with milky water and random crispies.  The sponge was just left there..floating in grossness.  And the bowl...just in the sink, not in the dishwasher.

I just don't get this...piles of folded clothes just left on the dresser, random socks and undies all over, cups and dishes everywhere.  Things forgotten or "oh, I just didn't see it".  And then I become that old black crow...you know, the kind of annoying ugly bird that just sits in the tree, cawing endlessly.  After awhile, you just don't hear it.  I don't want to caw endlessly...Why don't they listen?  Can they hear me?...but I caw endlessly.

All this time, that poor crow in the tree was just asking over and over..."Can you please put your dishes in the dishwasher?  This isn't a God damn frat house!"

We live and die by the spreadsheet...

You know what time of year it is??  No...it's not "resolution breaking" time, it's not "bitching about the cold" time or "dreading that crap day known as St. Valentine".  Nope...it's Wang Family Budget time!  This is the time of year where we map out spending and saving for the new year.  It sounds odd and I will mock this process, I am very grateful for it.

I am grateful that Ching and I have very similar spending habits...we don't believe in unplanned retail therapy.  We don't like big ticket items that can de-value in an instant.  Currently our biggest monetary goals involve investing in our home and the girls that continually sap us dry.

This plan is an odd look into the next 12 months.  I know the regular monthly expenses and the special line items.  I can tell you that we are vacationing in Minnesota in August.  I can tell you that we are budgeted to travel during the holidays of 2013.  No one we know is getting married, so no planned wedding gifts.  Laurel doesn't know the but we are planning on sending her to that ridiculous spa like camp where she is occasionally run into that Paul.

While I treasure in the planning and the peace of mind, I do give up spontaneity.  I know how much is spent on my birthday gift (that is also a special line item) and there is never a vacation that is just a surprise.  Ching and I are not there yet.  Maybe we will never be....we are planners...we live and die by the spreadsheet.

Ching and I are both accountable to each other.  All of our money goes into one pot and there is one spreadsheet.  The spreadsheet isn't magic, it's just an electronic file that has a projected suggestion.  If either one of us, strays from the allotted number, there better be a good excuse.  Or the planning is just a waste of time.

We live comfortably, but with fiscal responsibility.  Jesus, maybe the Wangs should have taken our glorious spreadsheet to the guys on top.

But not today Missy, there is a new sheriff in town and I am full of clarity!

Stand firm JCW...Stand firm....

This morning, the first morning after the holiday break, was not a good one for Laurel.  Rachel was fine.  (The fact that inside Rachel's burly rough exterior contains a morning person constantly surprises the hell out of me.)  Everything was wrong with Laurel this morning...she didn't want to get up (Rachel got right up)...she didn't like her rice crispies (Rachel is into getting into a bottom cupboard and tossing a handful of pretzels in a small container)...Laurel's clothes were wrong, apparently she said her sleeve was gawonky--her word (Rachel gets dressed like a dream because it is her last step before she gets her own pretzels)...Laurel wouldn't brush her hair (Rachel doesn't really have hair to brush) and then she stood firm about not brushing her teeth and putting on her socks (Rachel, of course, acquiesced.)

Usually I feel cloudy in the morning and I think Laurel's stubbornness is more me than her.  But not today Missy, there is a new sheriff in town and I am full of clarity!  I did try to empathize--gave her a few more minutes in bed, five other choices for breakfast, helped her dress and tried to "un-gawonk" the sleeves, ignored the messy hair but by the time she wouldn't brush her teeth, I had enough.  Finally, Ching comes downstairs, raises his voice and the waterworks start.  They start at 7:40 and Rachel and I had to go.

Ching was dropping Laurel off this morning and knew I had to leave.  Later he said that they chilled for 10 minutes and everything was fine.  But I was serious about having enough so I took away all Ipad, Iphone and computer privileges tonight.

Holy shit, you would have thought she was in solitary.  (Aside, as a mother, haven't you ever want to be in solitary? I have.)
LAW:  "Mom I am so bored...what I am supposed to do?"
Laurel says this while I look at all the books, crafts and toys that she unwrapped last week.
LAW:  "I can't believe this...so terrible."
JCW:  (Stand firm JCW)  "Well, Laurel, you were pretty terrible this morning."
LAW:  "I know, but I just am about to die of boredom."
Eventually, she busies herself just before we read books together.  You know, she is going to be really screwed when (this probably) happens again and I take away T.V. too.  Tonight, she was bored with T.V.?  Good God....

I am not sure how I am going to deal with the beeping and the blaring.

In 2013, I am looking to achieve some serenity.  Perhaps putting more things in perspective or just letting them go.  While the intention sounds easy, it will be difficult.  I couldn't even start this entry without fixing one of the crooked shades in the dining room.  Maybe, next time, the shade can wait.

As my eyes go left to right in every room, I need to come to terms with the fact that 1.) I will have kid crap all over the house until the girls aren't kids anymore.  2.)  I need to stop picking up after them.  (That goes for you too CCW...and your socks.)

I am not sure how I am going to deal with the beeping and the blaring.  Laurel is a beeper and Rachel just blares.  Laurel, who is afraid that someone is going to jump out and get her around the next corner, constantly needs to know that I am around so she beeps.  Her beeps are "mom, mom, mom, mom" until I say, "Laurel, I am here."  (I can't fault her for this.  I went through this stage too.  Back in 1980, freakin' Burger King introduced their "King", this creepy man with an unnatural looking beard.  Every time I turned on the television, there he was, creepy as ever.  I began to imagine him popping up in a window or two.  Jesus, I am lucky I didn't start wetting the bed.)

Rachel, darling bull in a china shop Rachel, is not a beeper but just blares like a horn.  I could be on the second floor on one end of the house and she could be in the basement on the other end of the house, and I can still hear her loud and clear.  It is kind of impressive and scary at the same time.  It is reminiscent of that scene in Wedding Crashers when the Will Ferrell character yells for more meatloaf from his mother.  I need to stop that yelling.  And I need to stop acting like her bitch.

I will always have work to do..(you know, the work that I actually get a paycheck for on a bi-weekly basis).  Maybe if I go with the premise of stop trying to empty my e-mail inbox, it won't constantly try to re-fill itself.  Makes no sense but that is all I have for now.

Perhaps I just need to relax a little more rather than force it.  I don't think it's going to work having that voice in my head..."Serenity..God damn it...give me freakin' serenity."  Yeah, that's the first thing...