This is the second part to the entry of last night. I always laugh at asking Ching to take a train to get home 20 minutes earlier. It was just 20 minutes but during this time, I think I was a little insane. This essay was written when Laurel was about a year old.
Without Ching
I didn’t expect how hard it was going to be to take care of Laurel during the day while Ching was at work. I wanted to be there to comfort her when she cried and feed her when she was hungry. I didn’t realize this was all I would be doing.
My mom came to help me during the first week that Ching was back to work. Going back to my efficiency of having Laurel at the right time, this week (officially week 3 of my maternity leave) was my Mom’s school vacation. I loved having my mom there. She seemed to be able to do everything for Laurel, herself and me. I slept when I wanted, ate when I wanted..my mom only needed me there to breastfeed Laurel. Her ease of taking care of Laurel was from raising two kids. She “knew” what she was doing. I did ask her if when I was Laurel’s age (I was her first child) if just the thought of having an infant and doing something simple like folding the laundry was just overwhelming. She looked at me strangely and said no. I chalk this up to the fact that she was 21 (just too young to know) when she had me..it was also the 1970’s—wasn’t everyone super-laidback then?
Eventually she had to leave. I didn’t want her to go but she did have a classroom of kids to teach. I should be able to fend for myself. I also had to break Ching of the mindset that a delicious dinner would be waiting for him when he got home. My mom set that expectation but when she left we were back to the library of takeout menus.
There were a window of days between when my mom left and Ching’s aunt and uncle were arriving from Columbus, Ohio. During this window, Ching had to go out of town for work. Ironically, he never travels for work, but during week #4 he left for four days and three nights in Indianapolis, IN. I was more jealous of his trip than scared that he was going away. He was going to know the pleasure of sleeping through the whole night. He was going to be out and about among the living.
I took one day at a time when he was gone. Laurel did sleep with me in my bed but I had her sleep on one of Ching’s t-shirts so she would remember and find comfort in his smell. We made it through the four days and three nights—granted I never showered, but we were okay.
Ching’s aunt and uncle then arrived to help out as well. (I feel compelled to make mention that I did shower before my in-laws got to our place.) Apparently, it is Chinese tradition to wait on a new mom hand and foot for one month after giving birth. She shouldn’t have to lift a finger. The thought is to get her good and ready for the next 18 years. While the premise sounds good, I couldn’t do this. Previous to Laurel, I wasn’t good with house guests. I would buy too much food. Our condo had to be cleaned until the Lestoil scent hung in the air. Not only was that not done, but I also love my space. Aunt Angela and Uncle Ming-Luh didn’t have to wait on me. All I needed was a little sleep and an opportunity to shower and I would be good to go. (Actually I had a boatload of thank you notes to write. The UPS truck had a gift for Laurel every day for a good six weeks.)
Aunt Angela and Uncle Ming-Luh stayed and helped us for five days. When they got there, the refrigerator was bare and there was an inch of dust everywhere. They cleaned, shopped and made me chicken soup so I got my strength back. This made me chuckle because I wasn’t sick, just a new mom.
When Laurel was one month old on March 5, all the visitors went home and Laurel and I were on our own. I stopped sleeping with Laurel all the time because now I had a choice: Either I could sleep OR shower, eat, brush my teeth, start some laundry etc. Having Ching home with me made it so easy to pass her off to him especially if she had a blow out that got all over her and me. Now what am I supposed to do when she pooped on me and I am all alone?
T.V dictated my sense of time. TNT’s Primetime in the Daytime started for me at 10:00 (ER), lunch was around Judging Amy and any afternoon chores were done during NYPD Blue and Law and Order. I never knew the date and I only knew it was the weekend because Ching was home.
I was incredibly bored and wracked with guilt. I should be enjoying this time with my daughter. While I know I will regret even typing this out but the day to day routine was hard because she really didn’t give me back anything socially. She had four modes—crying (which made me feel like I was doing something wrong), eating, sleeping or just staring at me. Even though I yearned for any adult conversation, I was afraid to have anyone over because the time of day of any visit (for those working) was between 4-6:00. Laurel was at her crankiest AND it was common for me not to shower before 4:00.
I would always have the best intentions of doing something productive. I wasn’t looking to paint the dining room. I wanted to do a couple of loads of laundry, cook a little bit and get some more thank you notes written. I once remember telling Ching that my daily accomplishment was cutting three of Laurel’s fingernails. Most days were like the fingernail day.
Some days I thought I was going crazy. I would call Ching around 4:30 and he would tell me that he would take the 5:30 train. I would beg him to take an earlier train like the 5:10. Looking back, it’s ridiculous that 20 minutes would mean so much.
I find it important to mention that I didn’t have postpartum depression. I was depressed years before I had Laurel. I took daily anti-depressants and spoke to several doctors to make sure that the medication didn’t harm Laurel through my breastmilk. I didn’t feel down or destructive toward Laurel or me. My above lament is about boredom, not depression.
And that was the month of March.
April was much better. The weather was nicer and I was getting used to taking Laurel on errands and outdoor walks. Initially, errands were hard. I was always afraid she would cry and I wouldn’t know what to do. I don’t know if I was afraid of judgement if Laurel cried—I just didn’t want her to cry in front of others. I couldn’t prepare well with Laurel therefore plans were up in the air. Once plans were solidified, the process of getting Laurel ready, a diaper bag ready and just washing my face, ponytailing my hair, and brushing my teeth was a very drawn out effort.
April was also the time where I was reassessing when I wanted to go back to work. I definitely was but I thought I could squeeze a couple extra weeks out of Ching. Originally, my leave was from 2/15 to 5/15—12 clean weeks assuming that she was going to be born on 2/15. Since she was born on 2/5, do I still get to go back on 5/15? “No way,” said Ching. The Wang family spreadsheet of input and output said that I needed to earn income again starting on 5/1 since I stopped earning income on 2/1.
My 12 week maternity leave worked like this. My company gave me six weeks off of paid time. I used two weeks of my vacation so I would continue to be paid. The final four weeks were considered unpaid leave. I am also in financial sales so since I wasn’t at my desk driving any type of sale, I got no sales compensation during any leave. The eight weeks I was paid was just salary which is 70% of my take home pay. While at time I thought this stunk, I told myself that Ching and I were very lucky to have the option to stay home 12 weeks because some women can only stay the first 6.
It sounds hypocritical that I would want extra time with Laurel since just a few weeks before I was climbing the walls. Selfishly, I didn’t want to stay home to spend more time with her, I was just afraid of a new routine: getting myself ready for work, Laurel fed, me out the door, etc. Regardless of the fact that I had a nanny coming, I was scared stiff that I would always be late for work and late getting home to her.
Honestly, I didn’t miss the work part of my work. I really was there for the social interaction. My peers were my age but all without children so I could amuse them with the some crazy nanny story (more on that later). The group that I managed was much younger-they seemed amused by any story involving poop.
During the final week, I used everyday as a dry run. I would get up and get ready like I was going to work and then feed Laurel before I “left”. While I was doing this routine, our nanny was also getting acclimated to our household. My first attempt was a success if you didn’t count on my going back to bed after the nanny arrived. The second day was much better. I ended up taking the train into work just like a real work day. I worked at my desk for a few hours. It felt great to be back to work and among adults.
I have no aspirations of being a stay-at-home mom. I feel like I am a better mom to Laurel in the shorter time we have together. I hope to have another maternity leave someday and the second time around I will be mentally prepared of what the 12 weeks has in store. My leave would only be for 12 weeks—and yes, it will be notated on the Wang family spreadsheet.
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