Bluntly, they look like eyeballs. Holy Crap..

This entry is neither mom based nor wife based.  It is just a funny experience of my past when Ching and I were dating.  I was recently asked what my preferred Chinese takeout staple was?  Unfortunately I made that stupid joke that "Chinese food" is just "food" are our house.  I am turning into an old sweaty man that says cliche crap like "Is is hot enough for you?" while everyone is enduring a heatwave.  I really have to stop that..I am starting to sound like an asshole.

Anyway, my choices are pan-fried dumplings (pork and cabbage) with scallion pancake.  While we can get them at a good Asian restaurant for take out, both can be made by Ching's uncles so I feel like my choices are authentic.  (Honestly, I will tell you that Ching's dad apparently made amazing dumplings.  So good that people thought he should open a restaurant. He past away before I met him.)

My "Chinese" food background was this as a young girl from southern Maine..I knew the Hu-Kee-Lau--Polynesian Village where every dish was made with marachino cherries and the Wok Inn which was the Taco Bell of "Chinese" food in Portland.  A full size paper bag couldn't absorb the oil from one chicken finger.  (You do know that chickens don't have fingers in China, right?) When I ventured to the University of Connecticut, I was introduced to real "Chinese" food--General Gau's chicken--a delicacy.  (Ironically, both Ching and I now refer to it as "the General".)

Ching and I dated for 11 months prior to the story that I am about to tell.  In this 11 months, Ching and I never went out for any Asian cuisine.  Ching's name is the most Chinese name you will come across but Ching, himself, is very Americanized.  His cuisine of choice is All-American--ribs, burgers and fries.  If he is choosing an ethnicity, it is Italian with a big ol' bread basket.  (And apple pie for dessert--not a joke.)

When Ching and I visited some of his relatives in Northern CA, I thought it would be great to go to an authentic lunch.  (And I am not going to lie, I was craving the General, beef and broccoli and some hot and sour soup.)   Ching's family graciously agreed to take me to lunch (and this was a second option.)  I went into this lunch so hungry, my stomach was churning.

We went to a restaurant in Silicon Valley that had quite a wait for an early lunch.  We had to wait 30 minutes for our family meal.  It was very hot and there were a lot of people.  AND over the speaker of the restaurant..no English spoken, just Mandarin.  I thought (and secretly rubbed my hands with delight).."Damn, this is going to be a good lunch."  (General..beef and broc..you are mine...)

Finally it was our turn as a family..I walked in and I was quaking with anticipation.  It quickly turned in quaking with nausea.  I walked into this very popular restaurant to a sea of about 500 people jammed into circular tables.  To my right was a massive tank filled with, I think, crabs..but I am still taken with the amount of people.  Within these jammed tables, there were servers with carts that looked like hot dog carts trying to navigate between tables. The smell hits me..the emotional side of my brain said it smells like dog (you are a racist)..the logical side said, it was just the cabbage smell soaked into the carpet.  In this instant, I knew I wouldn't get my special #4.  Regardless of the food, I am immediately claustrophobic.

When we sit down, there are no menus.  Ching says, "This is dim sum..there are no menus."   Quickly I was told that you pick from these carts (the hot dog ones) and then they notate your bill.  This is explained to me as Chinese apps as brunch.  (No General, no Beef and Broc?  Okay, this will be fine.)   Dumplings come to the table (you're going to be good JCW) but they are steamed so much that the outside are translucent and milky white.  The dark insides can be seen through....Bluntly, they look like eyeballs. I can barely swallow them.  Holy Crap.. I believe they taste fine but the texture is something I have never experienced.  Meatballs come next..yay..maybe.  While these are something that I know, these things are freakin' huge...softball huge.  With two quick wrist movements, the server cuts this meatball into quarters with the biggest pair of scissors I have ever seen.  Holy Crap..the General is now an absolute pipe dream..and I am so queasy.

I see something that I like..sponge cake, like a twinkie. (Come to Mama).. I request it and Ching looks at me like I am on crack.
"Hey, JCW, what do you think is inside?"
I look at him lovingly.  "Cream??"
"No, Jude..there is pork inside."
 "WTF!! (I didn't say the F even though everyone is speaking Chinese.  I don't even think they would notice.) Are you kidding me? How could you do that to sponge cake?"  The issue wasn't the taste.  It was the texture.  So many textures paired in ways that I didn't think was possible.  I couldn't put the pork o'twinkie back and I didn't want to waste.  I gave it to Ching.  He got a lot of things put on his plate that day.

And then the chicken feet hit the table..holy shit.  While it sounds like only a few things hit the table..there were so many things that had texture that I just couldn't palette. I tried..but I couldn't..

Honestly, I was ashamed.  Ching's family brought me out for this brunch and I barely ate anything.  I was queasy from the nerves, the crowd of people, heat and cuisine that I didn't expect.  I didn't want to let Ching down.  He said it was okay..he said it in English..his relatives said something in Chinese but smiled..oh son of a bitch.

As we drove away to our hotel, I profusely apologized.  I just didn't know that this was what I suggested.  He was kind of amused and but full of dim sum.  He understood.  My man, Ching said "Hey look, there is a Wendy's...let me buy you lunch.