I commonly refer to this malady as having a stick up my butt.

Nine years ago today, Ching and I hosted our wedding in York, Maine.  I have been told it was a very nice wedding but I couldn't get past my bridal snit fit that just settled over me like a dark cloud.  I commonly refer to this malady as having a stick up my butt.  You can't see this malady in the pictures and I don't think I ruined any one's celebratory mood.  But to this day, while I will fully admit my behavior and poke fun at myself, I am a little ashamed.

Ching and I decided on a medium sized wedding at the beginning of July. Honestly, I had never really dreamed about my wedding day.  The only thing that I wanted to commemorate our marriage was a big ring.  The wedding?  Not so much.  Ching really did want to have a nice wedding because (while not said aloud) it was his way of getting his family together and feeling proud.  He probably also knew that I would clean up real nice.  We invited 165, and 140 said yes.  About 25 guests were mine, 115 were Ching's...

I woke up on July 4, 2003 to a beautiful sunny day.  I will admit that I was fuzzy, not hungover, but not as refreshed as I thought a glorious bride should be. (Peeps starting coming into town the night before and Ching and I hosted several at a local bar.)  Pushing that aside, Ching and I had a very nice breakfast at the hotel.  (Yes, we did see each other before the wedding.  Remember that we are all ready married.)  There were a few hours of hanging out prior to him dropping me off at our venue so I could be primped and prepared.  I was trying to get in the mindset of being glorious...you are a glorious bride!

I just wanted to have some fruit and sparkling water as I was getting ready.  But my mom brought wine--that's not what a I wanted.  Push it aside...You are a glorious bride!  I ended up drinking Diet Coke and a very heavy turkey and bacon club.  I had this odd anxiety that this "getting ready" was very boring for the ladies and I started to sweat.  People were having a good time.  A good time, damn it!

Because I had spent 15 months planning for this day, I seemed more tired of the event than the actual event.  I kept telling myself...this is the day!!  MY day.

My hair looked great...my make-up picture perfect which is another way of saying "Kim Kardashian heavy".  But when my mom was helping me into my dress, I didn't want to wear it.  I failed to realize that having a form fitting dress on a hot day wasn't good.  Needless to say, the dress was zipped up without incident but I really wished that I had gone floaty and ethereal rather than stunning and dressed to kill.  (I did look good because it was MY day!)

Ching and I decided to take pictures before the wedding because we didn't want to take the time during the cocktail hour---hand's down the best part.  As we are taking pictures, I couldn't get my mouth to stop twitching and the photographer was acting like a twit.  I won't name names because it's unprofessional but if you are planning a wedding in Portland/Southern Maine and want to avoid this woman please let me know.  She kept having a fit that the videographer was in her way.  He wasn't and she was ruining my day!

I was incredibly grateful when the pics were done and I went upstairs to wait until the ceremony.  I was sitting with my friend Kathy who was a glorious bridesmaid while being 36 weeks pregnant, her husband Jon and an old friend that I hooked up with years ago.  Wow...that wasn't awkward.  I then find out that Ching is pissed at the lack preparation of the venue's coordinator.  Oh God, please let Ching not be pissy when I walk down the aisle.  At this point, I gave myself any swipe of deodorant.

I walked down the aisle myself.  I was 31 years old and didn't want to feel given away and it was MY moment.  But God damn...all those eyes on me.  I didn't know what to do so I started saying hello to people was I made eye contact.  This elicited some giggles but it didn't bother me.  I met Ching (absolutely not pissy) and we carried on with the ceremony.  It was so hot...I was worried that my friend Kathy was uncomfortable in the heat.  We were told to sit down during the ceremony and I was afraid of not being able to get up and down easily in this dress.  Focus on the ceremony...focus on the ceremony...I have no idea what this guy is talking about.  What the hell is he talking about?  Can we just go?  Give me my ring and the cocktail hour.  Thank God it's done.  (On the video, you can hear Ching very clearly let out a very loud sigh as we walked up the aisle as CCW and JCW. )

Oh crap...you didn't even think about this Jude!  People want to hug you now.  One after another..huggy, huggy. And then we start taking family pictures.  First my family and this is when a broken strap was heard around the world. My dress had these very small beaded straps and as I was bending over to pick up my bouquet, one of them broke.  Holy Christ, you would have thought I just broke my leg.  Ching is picking up the beads like we are going to re-bead the strap.  My sister goes in uber-MOH mode and tries to get a sewing kit/safety pin, etc.  My mother isn't paying attention and immediately I am pissed about that too.  (Because it's MY day!)  My aunt senses my stress so she runs up to the bar to get me a gin and tonic.  Nice gesture but I don't drink gin (after an incident in 1992) and all I could think about was the waste of good liquor and the extra $8 on the Wang's bar tab.  The fix was simple.  We cut the other strap for continuity.  There was so much cuppage support sewn in the front that anyone would stand at attention in that dress.

My favorite moment of the wedding was waiting to be announced as Mr and Mrs Ching Wang.  Ching and I made small talk and it just felt comfortable.  I was truly happy in that moment.  I focused on that moment while we had our first dance.  Ching refused to take dance lessons so we ended up swaying like a couple of 8th graders at a junior high dance.  I kept telling myself to shut the inner voice up...you married a very good man AND you didn't settle.

God, I was hungry.  I tried to eat but was interrupted or felt the need to greet people.  So many people traveled such a long way to celebrate with us.  But as I was greeting people, I noticed what my issue was. I don't want to be a bride at this wedding...I want to be a guest!  This is an awesome wedding...free liquor is flowing (and I have had none), the hors d'oeurves were amazing (I had a stuffed mushroom), the dinner seemed nice (I had my salad and a bite of fillet) and the cake?  Apparently, it was so good that someone, who I will not name, had three pieces.  I had a bite.

I tried to make the effort by throwing myself on the dance floor but by 9:00, I just wanted to leave a blank check for the cost and go home.  I was tired and I just wanted to get the hell to Hawaii.  I had that feeling that you have on Christmas night...you know, all the planning and then it's over.  I was also mad at myself for not enjoying myself.

While I joke about my inner sourpuss on 7/4/03, I do remember what went very well.  We had buses that took guests to and from their hotels so their could drink freely.  These went like clockwork.  Ching and I decided to get several large colorful rubber balls that the kids could play with during the cocktail hour.  It was so nice to see the kids, running back and forth, kicking the balls while their parents could mingle.  I heard the food was amazing and that was my first priority.  Ching and I were toasted several times over with some very funny speeches.  Ching and I paid for the majority of the wedding.  We were so good at staying within budget that when we went to our honeymoon, we lived like a king and queen.  (You better believe he whipped out the spreadsheet on the way to Maui.) But regardless of the wedding, Ching and I are still married, right now happily, with two healthy girls.  A perfect wedding couldn't top that.

But if these girls come to me wanting a big wedding, I will try to bribe them with a small outdoor ceremony on a lake in Minnesota with a family dinner at a Chinese restaurant.  And then they will go to Ching who will let them be the glorious bride that they should be...