I felt like I needed to breathe into a paper bag..

It was about this time, 10 years ago that I started to drink liquor..no wine..right to liquor.  It was initiated by an early morning walk to work.  As I walked through the South End, every so often carefully avoiding a steaming pile on the sidewalk, something donned on me.  Ching was visiting this weekend from Philadelphia.  In the past, he mentioned he would propose prior to his graduation.  This visit was the last one until his graduation.  This weekend was the weekend.  I walked faster and the sky just seemed to get so big.  All of a sudden I felt so small and I felt like I needed to breathe into a paper bag.

It wasn't a surprise that we were going to get married.  Six weeks prior, we had put a deposit down at Clay Hill Farm in York for our reception.  Apparently he had picked out the ring--not on his own; I had drawn a picture of what I liked and faxed it to him.  You see, the Wangs don't do capital purchases on a whim.  We have to plan..on a spreadsheet..we are planners.  So during this morning walk, I am not sure where the anxiety came from..

All at once, I knew my life would change.  I didn't have total control of the outcome anymore. (Snap out of it..your ovaries are getting any younger!)

I called my mother to see if she could confirm what I thought was going to happen.  She said she had no idea (she was lying).  I got home and made a lemon drop--Vodka citron, Cointreau, powdered sugar and fresh lemon, shaken with ice.  A very high maintenance drink at the time.  Over time this drink has slimmed down to just Citron--neat.

I was so happy and so scared.  I also realized that this drink tasted so much better than white wine.

Of course, I was right. That Friday, Ching flew up from Philadelphia.  We went for a casual dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.  (I knew Ching had the ring on him because he was wearing a very bulky coat for such a warm evening.)  Rather than proposing during the fancy dinner planned for that Saturday, Ching thought he was being clever choosing the casual evening.  The evening didn't matter to me..I just wanted to hear what he had to say.  We went for a walk and he proposed in the Public Garden.  I willed myself to remember so many details of that night, mainly the small ones that would only seem important to me.  I can remember the whole proposal, the itchiness of my red sweater and the heaviness of the ring.  I was so scared it would drop off my hand that I turned it inward as we walked home..

If I had known how easy that moment was compared to the challenges of marriage and the future, I probably would have put off the vodka.  Such a silly girl back in 2002.