When Rachel was a week old, the Wangs bought an elliptical.

First of all..I feel compelled to tell you that the not drinking for 38 days is not going well.  I don't want to discuss it but I felt like I should fess up.  Enough said..for now.

For the past couple of weeks, every time I bring up CNN.com, there is another mothering story.  Apparently the pre-school kid suckling on his mom's boob opened some sort of floodgate.  The latest subject was about new mothers "bouncing back".  I believe the latest article was initiated by a TMZ photo of Bryce Dallas Howard walking with her 4 month old daughter.  Prior to getting pregnant with her child, she was very slight.  Now, 4 months after the fact, she is still quite a bit heavier compared to that former slight self.  (I wish they had picked on someone else to criticize.  This actress did such a good job portraying a terrible woman in "The Help" that I can't separate the actress from the character.)

My anxiety of "bouncing back" was through the roof.  Prior to getting pregnant, I was always considered petite.  (Except a handful of months during the latter half of 2003---my fatty stage.)  With each pregnancy, as I was getting bigger and bigger, I would freak out a little to my sheer mass.  I felt like I had the girth of a whale.  As I would use the stairs and my knees would feel like jelly with the extra 35-40 pounds, I vowed that I would get rid of the weight as soon as I could.  It just felt so foreign. And I wanted my old body back.

I am curious if other woman feel the same way?  Were there any of you that breastfed just to get the weight off?  Were there any of you that wanted to jump on the scale as soon as you brought your newborn home from the hospital?  Are there any of you that feel guilty that part of your time went to your body rather than your newborn?  I had a harder time with Rachel's "post birth body physique" compared to Laurel's.  Laurel was born in the winter--nice comfy bulky clothes.  Since Rachel was born during the summer, my regular summer clothes were a pipe dream.  (When Rachel was a week old, the Wangs bought an elliptical.) Before Rachel, I was also going to the gym..I wanted to get that back.  But mainly I liked the control, with an additional child, my life was now a whirlwind.  With a mere 40 minutes a day, I felt like I was showing my body who was boss.

The irony is that you can lose all the weight but it (for me) was unlikely that I could fit into my "normal" clothes for several months since my hips were still in baby mode.  And then the boobs--none of my shirts fit.  I hated my breast feeding boobs. So..that was a bitch..the baby pounds were gone but my hips wouldn't let my pants fit; my skin was all saggy; AND my Dolly Parton double D's killed my hope for a size 4 shirt.  I wish I had the courage and just kept the weight on and felt comfortable in my own "new mother" skin.

Bouncing back was for nobody but myself.   My lunchtime is gym time. I run 3 miles a day, Monday-Thursday.  On Fridays, I do a spin class.  While I am quite proud of the way my body looks now, all the exercise in the world won't make my boobs less wonky or turn my former inny to an outie..With clothes on, I have bounced back.  But without, I will never truly be "bounced back"...unless I bypass Cartier and go for a lift and a tuck.