Also the funding college plans makes me worry less that the girls will need to get a spelling bee or badminton scholarship.

I have a pounding headache.  I am transitioning into a new role at work and I have no idea what I am doing.  I feel like an absolute idiot.  At this point, you can probably assume that I have no patience for giving myself enough time to learn.  I just want to know it and be good at it..right away.  I hate change too...I bitch when my cheese has been moved.  This is the type of workday when I question why I even work outside the home.

There is the practical side of working--the Wangs like two credits in the left column on the budget spreadsheet to balance out all the debits on the right.  (Also the funding college plans makes me worry less that the girls will need to get a spelling bee or badminton scholarship.)  But even if we cut back and learned to live with less, I have to work outside of the home.  My girls need to see me work.

Currently, they are at an age where my work is a mystery to them.  Rachel has no idea why I leave her at daycare.  Maybe she thinks I am leaving her because of incidents like last night when she climbed up on the dining room table and stood on the surface, arms up (ta-da!) while reaching for the chandelier.  While daycare is not a punishment, if dropping her off prevents her from doing it again, I will take it.

While Laurel knows that I am going to work, she has a lot of misconceptions. "Mommy is very important..Mommy has a big office", etc.  (Oh, Laurel..silly girl. Mommy is a minion) She understands why we rush in the morning so we are not late but she has no idea of the consequences.  If Laurel had a choice, she would always have me home.  But she would have the best of both worlds..she gets to go to her after school program (and hang out with Paul) but I should be available at her beck and call.

Am I a better mom to them if I leave home and go to work?  Perhaps..I want them to see that I could support them on my own. Never disparaging Ching but I want them to know self sufficiency.  I attach a lot of my self worth to depositing a check (regardless of the size) into the Wang checking account.  I want them to know that satisfaction.  I am setting the example that they will have to work some day.  Also it gets me out of bed, showered and out of the house among people..most days I just want to be left alone.

I watched my mother work outside the home--she was a teacher.  Especially as a child, I was quite proud that I went to a sitter after school because my mom taught.  It didn't seem like there were a lot of kids that had a mom who did that.  So as a child, I decided that I would work too...I remember thinking that every workday I would step out of a very fancy car, with really high heels and fancy skirt.  (Flash forward to now when I step out of my 9 year old trusty Corolla in practical flats and pants because I hate to shave my legs.)

So would I work outside the home if I won the lottery?  Perhaps, but screw the fancy car idea..I would get a driver.  Let them deal with pick up and drop off...