"Oh Christ, this is nice, but you don't want a hug, do you?"

I am not good with gifts.  For some reason, I don't think you're surprised.   I am very good at giving gifts because I really do put thought and effort into each one. (Unless you are a new married couple.  This sounds like a cop-out but nothing says happy marriage like cash.  Not a lot of thought but I believe most appreciated.)

When I give a gift, I will tell the receiver that they can open it at any time..I assume they are like me.  Most people are not--they rip the wrapping off without abandon and have the most spectacular reaction.  I can't do this..I like gifts but only if I can either open alone or know what the gift is prior to opening the package.   I have this quirky fear.  When I open the gift, I don't feel like my reaction will satisfy the gift giver.  I know this sounds really weird.  Let me back up, when I open the gift, sometimes I am just processing what I just opened. (Call it what you will..I am slow to comprehend..whatever..) Sometimes during this process I am either saying to myself "What the hell is this?" or "Oh Christ, this is nice, but you don't want a hug, do you?"

This giftophobia all started during my high school graduation party. (Time Machine Bitches--June of 1990) Both sets of grandparents gave me cash. I opened their gifts to me one after the other.  My maternal Nana and Grampy gave me $200.  When I opened it, I yelled, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!?" (I know, classy..) My paternal Nana and Grampy gave me $25.  While I thoroughly appreciated the gift..I felt terrible.  I made it very clear that one gift was significantly larger than another.  I felt like such a turd...so to this day, I don't like opening gifts in front of people.

Several years go by, coasting, not opening gifts in front of peeps..and then my bridal shower.  Oh crap..so I do what any sane person does in this situation--I snoop.  Up to my party, I check my registry and see who bought what and therefore I am prepared prior to unwrapping .  (Right now, my mom and her friends are shaking their heads and perhaps cursing..)  If I couldn't tell what the gift was..I just drank to get through the gift opening.  The drink (and the extra swipe of deodorant under each pit) helped immensely.

During my baby shower, I couldn't depend on the drink BUT I was prepared to go into fake tears if I felt awkward.  Thankfully it never got to that point..

While I don't think Ching does this intentionally, he leaves receipts and business cards all over the place.  Prior to any holiday or birthday, I usually know what I am getting.  Recently I found a David Yurman business card from Bonnie.  (In case you are not familiar with Bonnie at the David Yurman in the Copley Mall-Back Bay--Ching loves her.  I didn't realize why until I went in to browse.  Bonnie has huge boobs and of course flaunts them like no tomorrow.  THEN, she offers to try on the necklaces, etc. that are being considered..Ching loves this and because I am really secure, I couldn't give a rip.)  There were two pieces listed for my 40th so I know..and I can prepare prior to my birthday.

I need to prepare..because more often than not, I will probably love the gift.  But then, oh Christ, there will probably be a hug expected.