My thoughts were so irrational. I was happy that my Prozac cocktail kicked in to shut me the hell up.

(Let me prelude this story by saying that everyone is fine--physically.  Of course there is a mother in Newton with frazzled nerves that can only be soothed with vodka.)

Rachel climbed up the stairs again right after she got dressed this morning.  I am not sure if she wanted to come upstairs to coax Laurel out of bed or just felt the need to climb...again.  She has no fear while climbing and jumping off of everything.  This lack of fear eats at my stomach lining everyday.  But this same lack of fear gives her a sense of pride that lights up her face.  (Really, Rachel does smile.)

As she was at the top step, she was holding this little basket full of kid treasures which I would deem as crap--random broken crayons, a mini book, and some sort of toy called a Zooble.  I was two steps behind Rachel as she lost her balance.  There are thirteen hardwood stairs that descend from our second floor to the dining room.  Laurel and I watched her tumble down all thirteen.   As she went head over foot and a sideways skid, her basket of crap went flying too.  I couldn't get to her.  I remained two steps behind, making odd guttural noises as she fell.  This was the longest couple of seconds and I was hoping all her delicious padding would break the fall.

When she reached the bottom, she screamed.  I knew her scream wasn't out of pain but more of a "what the hell was that?"  Ching picked her up.  As I got to her, I can't even put my feeling into a word.  I just felt shitty..and I was shaking.  There you go..shitty and shaking.   Immediately I wanted to go to my safe spot.  I wanted to place blame on Ching.  This was totally unreasonable on my part.  He was in the other room and I was with Rachel--this was not good.  But then my mind went to why he wasn't at the bottom of the stairs fast enough while she fell?  My thoughts were so irrational.  I was happy that my Prozac cocktail kicked in to shut me the hell up.

I immediately took her from Ching and needed to hold her.  I silently apologized to her and she seemed to sense something.  She stopped crying after 20 seconds but then started to milk this one.  With a whine and a pointy finger she demanded sugary dry cereal with a milk cup.  She wanted to be wrapped in her blankie and watching t.v.  As she looked at me, I felt the need to write her a check for $500 but then realized I was imagining things.

I felt terrible all morning.  I could see her tumble replay in mind.  But then I told myself that she was fine and to realize how lucky I was.  I was not lucky because of the isolated incident turning out okay.  I was lucky because I very rarely face incidents like this when I want to trade places with my children.  They are healthy and don't have to struggle.  I need to toughen the freak up.

After work I wanted to take a Goddamn ax to those stairs.  Rachel wanted to climb them.