As soon as my tooth was a bit wonky, I knew I was going to see my hygienist and she would make it better. But when I got to the office, this goofy Asian guy ushers me in, rather than my beloved Twyla (yeah, that's her name.) I specifically point out that he is Asian because every time I see an Asian man, I think of CCW and feel somewhat assured. This guy didn't assure me in the least..he had this goofy-ass swagger. There was no freakin' way that he was putting his hands in my mouth. Barruch (yeah, that's what he said his name was) explained that Twyla had to go home sick but the other dentist in the practice was going to clean my teeth. I immediately tell him about my crouton wound and he says that he will tell the dentist. While I should be excited that a dentist is doing my menial cleaning there is a change in my routine. And here he comes..this guy is going to ask all the questions that Twyla all ready knows (and I am so not going to tell this guy about my blog!!)
Any change in health or medications?--No
Any chance that you are pregnant? (Jesus..this subject will not die!!) Absolutely not.
Any problems with your teeth? (Didn't we cover this?) Just the hole in my front bottom tooth from the crouton.
So we decide to clean first and fix my tooth second. Barruch is just standing there waiting to suck any moisture out of my mouth. Easy, fella. This dentist is weird..but I am comforted with the fact that he doesn't have big protective goggles on his face. I hate seeing my reflection while my mouth is gaping open..talk about attractive...just little magnifying glasses on his real glasses (Oh Jesus, this guy is blind!). But let's get back to weird..he seems to feel bad when he sees my gums bleed..c'mon dude let's toughen up. I look over to the side, Barruch is looking at a laptop?? Are you kidding me? For some reason I would be okay if he was looking at dental porn..what would that be..naked woman with big teeth?
I quickly scan the room for some credentials. My real dentist went to Ohio State--I know Ohio State. This guy went to Yeshiva University..where the hell is that? Oh man, it's probably one of those Carribean dental schools. (God damn crouton!)
This guy doesn't even use mint cleaning paste?? Flashbacks of being six and throwing up in the hygentist's chair because of bubblegum flavored flouride come back..happy place..go to the happy place.
(Don't laugh) "Your blog is so funny..you should write a book. I am going to tell all my friends..look, over 100 hits today. I love your blog!"
The cleaning is done and now we are fixing my crouton ravaged tooth. The dentist tells me that my tooth needs a filling but no novocaine is needed. I immediately question this, which I know looks bad. Dude, you can rip a seven pound kid from my loins sans painkillers but around the grill..painkillers. He insists no and I see Barruch is back at attention with the spit sucker. (Holy Christ this is the longest hour of my life)
Drilling..smoothing..some sort of filler in a syringe (that syringe was a total tease)..close my eyes..maybe not.. Barruch just tried to gag me with the sucker. Finally it's done, my tooth is normal.
But wait..you are not going any where until you get the hard court press... In a matter of 90 seconds, I was told that I may need gum grafting (gums receeding) and Invisalign. He told me I have a lot of tarter on my bottom teeth (no shit..I produce a lot of saliva. I don't say anything because we just met. Only my close friends now about my saliva) and perhaps "braces" can fix that. Are you kidding me?..it's hard enough to remember my anti-depressants on a daily basis. You think I am going to use Invisalign?..keep dreaming. (Barruch, we are done..put the sucker down) Over nine years, my real dentist NEVER gave me this sell..I miss him and his mustache. Very few man can carry a Magnum PI 1982 'stache but my dentist can (and Victor and George, you so can too!)
Croutons are a bitch..it just scarred my semi-annual dental visit and cost me $250.
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