Giggles aside..just some time and Tylenol..oh crap. That wasn't worth the co-pay!

Rachel is sick.  I wish I could trade places with her.  (And this is where the Bad Mom Award comes in..) Not to only take her pain away from her curable sickness but to hope for quiet..because if I were sick, wouldn't she be quiet around me?

Rachel has been sick all weekend..a nagging cough, low grade fever, no appetite and so cranky..even with Ching. She is always cranky for me..but Ching?  Step back, there is an issue.  We used Tylenol this weekend, juice, freeze pops..some things worked, some not so much.  And thankfully Nana was around to give us some relief.  She was so tired of us and Nana..like a new toy.

But Sunday night (really, you know how I feel about Sunday night?), she wouldn't sleep.  At 12:31, she started crying.  I know the time exactly because Ching's strawberry shortcake coma (that he ate while watching The Game of Thrones) kicked in at 12:17.  At 12:28 I went downstairs with a pillow and Rachel started crying.  After 3 minutes, I couldn't take it and Ching was also awake from his cake and berry stupor. (While I complain..it was just some snoring and chop licking like he was a small dog..but I am grateful, no gas..)

While I desert my lone pillow on the family couch..I joined Ching and Rachel in our king size bed..plenty of room but would she let us sleep?  God damn..what kind of mother asks that?    As soon as she starts sleeping next to us..I start bargaining with God.  If she sleeps through the night, I will be a better mother..less wine, less "hustle"..God knows I am lying.  At least I didn't try to trade in the snark..that would be too obvious.

After bargaining with the Lord, and seeing past my flimsy pagan ways..Rachel slept very little.  I took her to the doctor's praying for an ear infection.  (Bad mom..bad freakin mom!)  I just want some antibiotics...not a virus.  But freak me..it's a virus.  Not just any virus, one that makes me giggle because I am immature..the Coxsackie Virus! (Giggles aside..just some time and Tylenol..oh crap. That wasn't worth the co-pay!)

While she has been diagnosed and Nana was around the first day..Ching and I had the second day to navigate through prior to sending Rachel to daycare.  Like an agile mountain cat..Ching says that he has morning meetings, so he can only do afternoon.  Really?  Okay..I will go to work while (Ching) comes home while Rachel will nap three hours.

I wasn't sure how to end this but then as I am writing this, I am watching Dancing With the Stars with my mom:
Mom: "Have you ever her Maria Menounos laugh?"
Jude: "No, is it bad?"
Mom:  "Oh Christ..like a cow farting."

I can't top that with my written wit..

It sounds like one, studious..the other..loses her undies at parties. I would like to avoid that.

In the grand scheme of things..I thought I would have a daughter and then a son.  Yeah..that didn't happen.  When Laurel was born, I had 5 names picked..I used the top two for her (Laurel--because it is awesome and Alexa, my middle name.)  I had three names left JUST in case my second child was a girl.

Well..freak you Chinese birth chart..you were wrong!  (Obviously, they don't think of me as one of their peeps).  While the chart claimed I would have a boy based on my age and conception month..my second was a girl.

Immediately, I panicked.  I didn't have another name that I felt the same way as I felt for "Laurel".  My three other choices were craptastic..Eliza-Kate?  Hyphenated first name(?)--really?    Chloe??  I don't think so--that sounds like I hug people.  Meryn..not bad but just not right.

There were other names..but they just didn't seem right.  I loved the name Natasha.  But having one daughter named Laurel and the other Natasha?  It sounds like one, studious..the other..loses her undies at parties.  I would like to avoid that.

While I was thinking of names for my second daughter..Laurel piped in her suggestions:  Polly--apparently Laurel thought I was giving birth to a parrot.  Marina..first evidence of the freakin' Fresh Beat Band show..And then Rachel..Laurel was insistent on the name Rachel.

(Coincidentally, Ching mentioned Rachel one night..odd.)  But let's focus on my choices.  I thought of others:  Charlotte--nice but now seemed trendy.  Julia--I love saying this name and still do..  Juulliiiaaa...still love it..rhymes with Goulia.  (I work with a Julia--after reading this, she will avoid eye contact.)  As a dark horse, I suggested Chandler.  Ching told me that I must be on crack to think that he would agree to that.  Awesome...Chandler..not an option.

So the day before Rachel was born..it was down to Charlotte, Julia and Rachel.  Laurel was so convinced that her baby sister's name should be Rachel, that Ching and I quietly decide on that name because Laurel made such a nice choice.  But then there was her middle name?  Really there wasn't any other option.

When thinking about using a name from my family, I didn't have to consider Ching's family.  Apparently, the practice of naming a baby after anyone is bad..really bad.  It is considered stealing.  Whatever..more for me.

My daughter's middle name should be Jessica--to me it was a given but not mentioned.  (Soon to be Rachel's) aunt, my sister is very strong, smart and funny--snarky funny..not that crap, silly funny.  My girl that I would know as Rachel Ru would love her Aunt Jess.  It seemed too simple for the written word.  Ching didn't need convincing either.  This was a woman who put him under a microscope for several years.  My favorite moment was Ching stumbling about my middle name back when we were dating and Jess seeing a moment of weakness.  Sprinting upstairs (so fast, I think she tripped)..yelling "Ching doesn't even know Jude's middle name.."  This was better than a mystery box, wrapped under the Christmas tree.  This made Ching laugh too.   Regardless..he knew his daughter's middle name should be her aunt's..

Rachel was born very early in the morning.  Ironically Rachel's Aunt Jess is a morning person too.  I waited until 6:30 to make the call.  Telling my younger sister that my daughter's name was Rachel Jessica was the most unexpected,  joyous moments of my life.  When I named my daughter, I didn't even think about the reaction.

"What did you name her?"
"Oh..her name is Rachel..Rachel Jessica Wang."
"Really??"  (At an octave that I had never heard, I could hear her hands clasp in delight and see her smile.)
"Of course.."

Ching looked at me and told me that he wanted to protect the family.

Ching looked at me and told me that he wanted to protect the family.  (More life insurance?...Mama Jude would need to mourn..)
"I want to buy a gun."
Are you freakin' kidding me?  I don't even know where to start.  Ching can't kill a spider without man-squealing.  And has he thought about the kick back?

I love my man Ching Wang but he is blind as a bat.  Likely a prowler, that would initiate a gun (and him trying to feel like Sean Connery) would be in the dark, while we are sleeping.  To get the gun:
1.  Ching needs to find his glasses (or ask me..Jude, have you seen my glasses?)
2.  Is he going to have to turn a light?  (Our lights are not on "The Clapper..you know..Clap On, Clap off..the Clapper"  Holy Shit, obviously this week has been in the crapper.) I truly believe that he could shoot me rather than the target.
3.  And could he even find the gun and the bullets?  Laurel would burrow it in her stuffed animals or Rachel would throw it away (entry 4/25-read it, love it.)

Currently, I have stood quite strong and we have no gun in the Wang residence (don't worry..we won't.)  So Ching has taken to another weapon (and I am not talking about his dutch oven capabilities.)  In our condo, prior to the cul-de-sac, we discovered something in a closet that we were about to renovate.  In the closet, there was a dowel about the length of a baseball bat.  Ching thought it would be handy next to his side of the bed..Because maybe he thought a pinata would break into our house while we were sleeping?  Anyway, there is a big ass stick next to Ching's side of the bed.

I have a better weapon...it's Rachel.  She can make a grown man cry with a mere chomp!  (4/9--most popular entry to date.)

I just trim down the clutter and sniff for any old snack.

Let's cut to the chase.  What if Laurel becomes one of those hoarder types with mountains of stuff crowding her living space?  And there are cats roaming all over?

There are a couple of signs that are not in her favor.  First, she is my daughter.  I know that there is a little bit of crazy inside.  Secondly, she saves everything.  Not just good or bad art but countless items that should be tossed like empty toilet paper roles, candy wrappers (because they are pretty), every trinket she got from McDonald's and the fish tank rocks from that fish that lasted for two weeks last summer.  Her pockets are stuffed with rocks, crayons, old stickers and maybe a whistle.  For Christ's sake, I find sticks in her backpack--why does she need sticks?

I appreciate that she wants to recycle and re-use.  (She is absolutely not my kid with that trait.)  But sometimes it borders ridiculous.  Every time we buy her new sneakers, she wants to save her old ones for Rachel.  Keep in mind that we are buying new ones because the old ones stink and probably have a gaping hole.  I have to throw them out while Laurel isn't looking.  Rachel will always get new shoes.

Rachel doesn't have this trait--actually it is quite the opposite.  Rachel throws everything away..including books and cash.  (To Rachel, cash is paper that crumples.  Any crumpled paper goes in the trash.  One day I found $72 in the garbage.)

So while Rachel is a minimalist, Laurel is a "maximist"?  Every so often I have to go into Laurel's room with a garbage bag.  I don't throw away everything..I just trim down the clutter and sniff for any old snack.  I just hope I don't find covered cups with old chunky milk.  If found, those cups aren't washed out..they go right in the trash.

Jude Carlson-Wang..funk, formality and balance from a little bit of Wang..perfect.

I had to look up a parent in the school directory.  I noticed a child in another class (not Laurel's) that has this craptastic hyphenated name that was 11 characters, then 8 characters..holy shit.  This girl has to write an 19 letters for her last name..obnoxious.  Then I feel like a hypocrite because if you look at my last name..it is hyphenated.  I used to scorn bitches who hyphenated their name.  I thought it was ridiculous..and then I did it. So, I fell the need to validate my name to my flock (apparently tonight, I feel like Jesus..let's go with it.)

When Ching and I got out marriage license in St Paul, MN, I was immediately told to choose my last name.  I thought I had more than a moment..not so much.  On the spot, I hyphenated my name to Carlson-Wang...for the following three reasons:
1.  Work..son of a bitch, a life decision comes down to work.  If I hyphenated my name rather than change it, I would be easier to find.  Type in "Carlson" in the e-mail database and up comes "Carlson-Wang".  I didn't think of the fact that there were people that I hoped would never find me.
2.  Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where Jerry thinks he has made a date (over the phone) with Donna Chang?  He meets her and she is Caucasian--she has shortened her name from Changstein to Chang.  He thought she would be an exotic, beautiful Asian woman.  He was disappointed.  Needless to say..with Jude Wang..I wanted to avoid that.  I am not exotic in the least..
3. Jude Wang?  Really?  It doesn't sound that good.  For the majority of my life, I loved being called "Jude" but hated the last name, "Carlson"..it didn't seem to match.  Funky..but formal..no, no, no..  With Jude Wang..it sounded funky but harsh..and like a Wang Chung song.  (If you don't know..just move on..I don't want to explain to the young people.)  Jude Carlson-Wang..funk, formality and balance from a little bit of Wang..perfect.

As I made the decision to be hyphenated, Ching made it clear that he wanted his kids to be all Wang.  (Inside, I giggled..because I am me and a little bit childish)  But I agreed.  I would never have a child saddled with a double decker name..this is mine only.  I am not militant about my name..if you want to call me Mrs. Wang..I am cool with that.

Cool with "All Wang..All the Time"..hope Laurel and Rachel feel the same..

I need Botox...and (for you giggling) I don't need it for my pits.

I need Botox.  I am not afraid of my 40th right around the corner and (for you giggling) I don't need it for my pits.  I need it for my poker face--that's right,  I am surprised that I haven't been kicked in the ass all ready.  I consider myself lucky.  I wear my emotions right there.  Even when my snark is held in (and my head is pounding), you can see my feelings on my face.  At six, it was considered expressive.  At 39, not so much.   If you stink or are stupid..you will see it on my face even while I am silent.  I can't hold it.  I think of my issue as a Tourette syndrome of the face---my face.

One of my best, Sue, had a birthday in Vegas.  She claims that her favorite moment was my expression when Heidi (also my girl) kissed a dude on the dance floor.  Let me tell you, that this dude was giving the mac daddy vibe, straight out of Jet magazine.  As Heidi is kissing this guy..Sue thought my expression was priceless.  (Oh shit, was it an expression of surprise, disgust..jealousy?  This guy seemed cool and H is cool..oh crap..it was jealousy.  I hope it looked like jealousy..H, while she wouldn't, does have the potential to kick the crap out of me.)

Most days..stone face..c'mon stone face!! Don't slip..(I think my face is drunk.)

But then again, I am blessed. (Go for the positive!) Apparently,  I have a constant pensive look on my face...some people don't approach me.  I know I look like I need more bran in my diet but if you don't talk to me..that's cool.  I don't like people..  We have covered that, right?

Ching's aunt and uncle pretended not to hear that comment.

So good to be home.  I did go into this Wang Family Vacay with a bit of pessimism--slightly glass half empty but I can't help it, I see potential snark in everything.  There were expectations met but also delightful and craptastic surprises.  Rather than give you a day by day recap..I thought it best to give you some highlights (Kind of like a clip show--really wish I had a soundtrack.)

Travel, not bad but not great:
Ching had the idea of late or red eye flights so the girls would sleep.  Only Laurel followed suit.  Rachel was awake 3.5 hours of a 5.5 hour flight.
This plane had three seats on either side of the aisle.  Since we are a family of 4--one lucky soul got to sit in the odd seat.  I wasn't that soul--I tried but Rachel wouldn't have it.  (This is when she chooses to like me.)
Same feeling..different trip-- The whole de-planing, luggage retrieval, rental car..quick hotel check in always makes me want to turn around and go home.
We stayed at a hotel the first night to avoid driving..but I didn't like the hotel.  If my stay doesn't include a room service menu and an honor bar..it's ghetto.

Expectations Met/Feeling Renewed:
Got my crispy duck moo-shi at Sam Woo!  Granted the duck wasn't inspected but I did see another table totally giving a live king crab the once over before the kill.  (Also, I love going to Sam Woo because the restaurant is in the same shopping area as the CVS where I bought my last ovulation kit before Laurel was born..damn, good times!)
Rachel was a great eater..Laurel, not so much.  While Ching's aunt and uncle praised Rachel for eating asparagus, Laurel made it clear that she doesn't eat asparagus because she doesn't want stinky pee.  Ching's aunt and uncle pretended not to hear that comment.
I hate theme parks.  I don't like the rides or the inflated costs.  But mostly I hate watching parents yell at their kids when (the kids) are so overstimulated from the excitement and sugar.  I also hate seeing people steering their "electric rider" with their right hand while holding a massive turkey leg with their left.  Put down the leg and get some exercise.
Sand--I hate it.
Sun--I try but every freakin' time I burn something..this time it was the right side of my nose and my left foot.
I knew Laurel could hear me!  All this time, she was just ignoring me when I said "hustle" or "dinner".  As we are driving into San Diego..I go into Ron Burgundy mode.  I side-mouth whisper to Ching that it means whale's vagina..Of course Laurel questions me for the next 5 minutes about saying whale's vagina.

Mother of the Year Award Moment:
At Sea World, we went to a dolphin show.  Ching and Laurel really wanted to sit in the soak zone.  This zone is the first 12 rows close to the water--you are likely to get wet during the performance.  The Wangs definitely got wet as the dolphins..were just being little bitches.  But here is the crux:  As we were getting splashed, Ching shielded Rachel.  Did I shield Laurel?  Nope..shielded myself.  There was definite payback minutes after the show when a seagull shit on me.

Is There Something Wrong with Me?
I am absolutely bored when it comes to dolphins and whales.  The only thing that intrigued me during the whale show was how fat the lead guy was..Honey, look in the mirror while in the wet suit prior to the show.

Family Style Was Meant for Chinese Dinners Only
Family Style was not meant for the Cheesecake Factory.  When I go there I want my own entree and dessert--I don't want to share.  Four people should not share 1 app and 3 entrees. I left feeling hungry and my only liquor was this weak Cosmo..I have had wine spritzers stronger than that drink.

The Snark Stayed Inside because I am going to Hell:
While we were at In and Out Burger, there was an elderly woman that came up to Laurel to tell her that she was the prettiest girl she had ever seen.  This woman had those huge cataract sunglasses on..I was intrigued how she could even see Laurel?
Disneyland--I saw some sort of girly dance troop with the heaviest make-up on..it was so thick..they could have been boys.  Speaking of emasculated boys, during the princess meet and greet, this pre-teen boy was forced, by his mother, to do dance and proposal poses with Cinderella..holy shit.

Birth Control?
Ching's cousin flew down from San Fran to spend some time with the girls and the other kids in Ching's family.  Newly married, she expressed that she wanted to have kids.  I am curious after spending the weekend with 5 kids under the age of 9, if she still feels that way or just renewed her birth control prescription?

I joke about the trip but I know this (trip) went well.  While we were getting on the plane home, apparently I was a couple of steps ahead of Ching and the girls.  The attendant asked if I was a party of one.  Immediately I said.."Oh no, I am with my family."  Since I didn't bolt, I guess the trip was pretty good.